Feelings

I am trying to allow more feeling into my music. When I was younger, I had no problem baring my soul through music, but as I have gotten older, the walls have become thicker. The problem with this is the music suffers. In order to become a great musician, you have to allow your feelings to come through. It is a very vulnerable place to be.

I started a major life transition 6 months ago, and I have had to ride a wave of different emotions throughout the process. I have tried to put those feelings into the music, and I get a little closer as each month passes. I still struggle with letting go completely, but I can tell I am getting there.

Over the last two weeks, David has been out of town, so in a way, I had time off. I still practiced each day and worked on songwriting, but without our regular rehearsals, I had more freedom to do other things. I decided to do activities that would get me in touch with my feelings. I went to two very dramatic plays, took a few yoga classes, took two modern dance classes and attended a Breathwork class with Gong Bath at the end.  That last one probably sounds the most intriguing, and it certainly was.

My dear friend, Andrew Kutchera, leads breathwork classes here in Los Angeles. I met him when I was performing at a yoga studio many months ago.  In his workshops, we learn to do a 3 part breath that starts at the diaphragm, moves into the lungs, and exits through the mouth. We do this for 45 minutes, lying on our backs, covered in blankets. It sounds like it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it definitely is.

We always start each session with intention setting. Lately, my intentions have had to do with confidence and believing I have a right to share my voice with the world.  At this last class, I decided I wanted to become more grounded in how I feel about things. Everything. My opinions about life, my philosophy, the path I have chosen for myself… I want to feel secure in the way I see the world. I am a very sensitive person, and for a long time, I have questioned the way I believe my life should be. Sensitive people tend to spend a lot of energy pleasing others, and for the first time in my life, I am living totally for myself. I need to own that, and become more confident in the choices I have made. This kind of self-improvement is essential for becoming a better artist.

The breathwork experience was heightened by the Gong Bath. A very nice man, Nicolo from Italy, played the gongs through the entire session! Gongs are amazing. When a gong is struck, you can feel the vibrations throughout the entire room.  The vibrations from the gong plus the repeated breath technique made me feel as if I were on some kind of drug. It was really incredible. As I continued to breathe, my body became more and more aware of all the emotional ups and downs I have dealt with lately.  The gong vibrations hit me in a way I did not expect. When you hear a song from your childhood, your body usually responds. You have a memory and you feel like you are back in that same place where you heard the song for the first time.  The gongs hit me in a similar way, on a spiritual level. I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that I would be all right. It is okay that I am who I am. It’s time to own it.  

After the class I had the sudden urge to sing “Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)” by Don Mclean. This song is about Vincent Van Gogh. How he was so sensitive and so different and out of place and how misunderstood he felt at times. For some reason, this song really called out to me, and I have been singing it for over a week. I was so moved by the chorus that for several days, I cried each time I sang it. Normally, I would stop singing it after crying no less than 6 times, afraid of the emotion inside of me, but this time, I decided to sing through it, tears and all. I’m sure the neighbors wondered why this girl was torturing herself sobbing through a song like that, but to me it was really a beautiful experience. I felt like I really experienced the music at a deep level. I no longer felt afraid to experience my real feelings through song. 

Modulation (Key Change)

Well. I spilled wine on my laptop last week. Yes. I was not being mindful. Yes, I was stressed out. It was bound to happen. So tonight I am finally back in the blogosphere with my new Mac Book Pro. Oh man, watch out world. Do not be upset if I get too excited and begin posting dozens of how-to videos on YouTube. Steve Jobs just makes it so darn easy!!

So anyway, things in my world of transition are beginning to seem just fine. I'm in a state of Modulation. In music, the term "Modulation" means to change keys in the middle of the song. What is a key? Well.... let's look at the word itself. When you think back to school, the teacher always had that much coveted answer key in the back of her special text-book. The place where all of the answers were. In music, if you know what key you are in, you know that there is a series of 8 notes that are guaranteed to sound good together. This is also called a "scale." So on the piano, if you take all of the white keys starting on Middle C and you play all the way to the next highest C, you have just played the "Key of C Major."

Sometimes, songwriters (especially pop artists), will change keys in the middle of the song. This is called "Modulation." Modulation usually changes the whole feel of the song. It is also a clever way to repeat that chorus just one more freakin' time without making the audience go "Again? Really?"

If you want a better understanding of what Modulation is, check out the sweet key change around 3:21 on Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" :

I am modulating from one key to another in my own little way. I'm moving out of my 3 bedroom house into a tiny 300 square feet pool house in my singer-songwriter friend's backyard. While my darling husband and I figure out how to peacefully part ways, I am staying in another friend's tiny guest house. Before you wonder if you should feel sorry about this dramatic change in my life, let me tell you why you should not. 

Have you ever read anything by SARK? She is this adorable artist/writer based in San Francisco. 

She wrote this awesome book called "Succulent Wild Woman" and I read it when I was just out of high school. She often talks about the time she found her "Magic Cottage" in San Francisco. It was a tiny little shed in someone's overgrown garden, and she was a broke artist who needed a home. She convinced this little old lady to let her move in, and that is where she made her masterpiece poster "How to be an Artist." That poster sent her on her way to fame. From there she became a best selling author and all around do-gooder and inspirational lady. I always thought, what a romantic story. So to me, my own modulation is flowing just as easily as a key change of G Major to D Major.  

My new place has just enough room for my piano and my bed. The guitars will go on the wall, as well as my hundreds of books (which I will not give up.) It is about the size of a dorm room, which is kinda how I see it. I am committed to spending my life studying music and peace and figuring out what the heck is going on in this world and how I can be of some kind of help. To me, life should be simple. A musician's life (or any artist really) is not about having massive amounts of space to set up furniture. It is about having enough space to create and think and learn. I am very much looking forward to modulating into the simple life.