Improvising

Every time I start a piano lesson with a student, we make up a song. I start by playing some chords, and my student makes up a melody on the high keys. We also play a lot of duets. Playing music together teaches cooperation as well as fine tuning rhythm skills, creativity, and intuition. It is always my favorite part of the lesson.

All of my social interaction is surrounded by music these days. I spend most of my free time with musician friends, my songwriting partner, and my concert going companions. Collaborating with friends is becoming my favorite way to connect. Last week, a friend's original country song inspired me to dust off my banjo to see what I could do. It was so much fun! I get a high off of playing music with others. It feels magical. You start with silence, one person begins to play, and the musician who is following has to use her intuition to see what she can add. I use the word intuition quite seriously. When you improvise music, you have to become a little psychic. You are always just a mili-second into the future, predicting what will come next, but there are also scientific aspects to it. There are formulas in music. Certain chord progressions happen over and over again, and once you play for a while, your ear becomes used to knowing what may come next. I find improvising with others to be a good workout for my brain.  Like meditation, you must stay completely focused on each moment as it goes by. If you don't, you will either make a mistake or just play something totally boring, and I would rather hear a mistake than something boring. Improvisation teaches you how to work creatively with others.



Do you ever find yourself in a social setting where someone says something that makes you uncomfortable? What happens? It depends on many factors: the other personalities in the room, the physical environment, the conditions that brought you together, how much sleep everyone had the night before... 

I had a conversation the other day with a friend who said something that stuck with me. In terms of relationships, he said that most people do not act but react. We react to the way others treat us. We react to their tone of voice, their words, and their body language. If someone is nice to us, we are nice to them. If someone is a jerk, we are a jerk back. In music practice, if someone begins a song in a sad minor key, we all begin to feel the same mood as the leader and we all work to create an environment based on what we feel from each other. I have been an audience member at shows where a band member makes a mistake, and the other band members react with anger, as if the imperfection of this one person is reflecting their own musical skills. When I improvise with students and they hit a bad note, my first instinct is to just keep playing. There is no need to point it out, because chances are that the player already feels a little uncomfortable with realizing they are not perfect. If someone misses a beat, it may just be an opportunity to change the rhythm and merge into a totally different type of song. Improvisation is all about staying present and going with the flow.

When someone makes an inappropriate statement or treats me in a questionable manner, I have found that it's important to check in with myself and see what I can do to control the situation, just like music practice. If you are in a jam session, and someone messes up, getting angry will not save the song. You can save the song by improvising and using your own musical skills to take the song somewhere else, possibly somewhere completely unexpected. Isn't this true in life? You are late to an appointment because of a traffic jam. Frustrating, but what can you do? You can become all worked up, red faced with raised blood pressure, or you can just accept your fate and enjoy the song on the radio. You can improvise with what you actually have control over in that present moment.

Mistakes (Don't Look Back)

When I first began my regular, formal piano lessons, I was a type-A, perfectionist-prone teenager. This is probably what made me learn so quickly, but it was not an easy journey. Every mistake made me want to give up. I cringed at every wrong note and every missed beat made me angry that I did not take dance lessons as a child. It took me so long to get both of my hands to play the piano at the same time, and the biggest mistake I made was thinking that there was something wrong with that. 

The thing about making mistakes in music practice is you eventually learn to accept that you are not perfect. Nobody plays perfectly the instant they start. Even the whole Mozart prodigy thing is exaggerated. The truth is even Mozart worked his little Austrian bum off.  Musicians have to constantly practice, make mistakes, and practice some more. Yesterday, one of my adorable students, Ben, said the most optimistic statement about mistakes. He told me he likes mistakes because it means he gets to start the song over again, and when he finally gets it right, he "gets to feel good." I loved that! Most students get really annoyed with their inabilities, but Ben really seems to understand that it's all about the process.

Isn't this true in every area of life? How many mistakes did you make today? I made a few today, but yesterday... don't get me started. SO many! Made an insensitive remark, forgot about a new lesson time with a student, sang some bad notes... Yesterday was rough. Today, I got up and decided to start over, and it has been a good one so far. 

I am still prone to perfectionism, and I do have a tendency to beat myself up over mistakes, especially in music. In every area of my life, mistakes provide an opportunity to learn. In music, a mistake teaches me that I have to focus harder on certain chords or finger positions, use stronger breath control when I sing, or simply practice more. In life, a mistake reminds me that I am not perfect and I should never get too cocky. Every day is an opportunity to learn.  

In my present life, I have had to think hard about decisions I have made in the past. Some decisions I made could be seen as mistakes, but I have decided to look at them differently. The word "mistake" seems to imply regret, and I do not regret anything. Every choice has provided an opportunity to evolve and become smarter and more aware of who I am and what I want out of life.  

There are many choices I have often looked back at and wondered, was that a mistake? Was it a mistake to stay in my hometown for college? To choose L.A. over NYC? To buy a house? To get married? To get divorced? No. The answer to any question like that should always be a confident "no." Every experience has value.  Every amazing experience and every traumatic experience has taught me something important. Dwelling on the past get's me nowhere. It is tempting to regret choices and so called "mistakes," but what is a mistake? It is just a stumbling point, a stepping stone, a learning experience. I will not let difficult moments hold me back from focusing on my goals. I plan on staying present, focusing on my dreams, and never looking back. 

Jealousy

Jealousy sucks. Whether it's coming from you or someone else. Jealousy is one of the worst human experiences we have to deal with. If you are feeling jealous, you have to figure out why, and do something productive about it, or if you are like most people in this world, you act out in nasty behaviors in order to punish the person you are jealous of. Most of us are guilty of doing the latter. But what if someone is jealous of you? The other day, one of my most talented students was acting very shy about performing in the school talent show. Now, this is a kid who can play 3 instruments well, sing, dance, and basically excel at everything. On top of that, he is so sweet, so of course he is adored by all of his teachers, including me! He performs at the retirement home with me, and when he starts to play, everyone runs in the room to see who is making such amazing music! So when he said he didn't want to perform, I knew something was up. Turns out, there is a bully at school who is jealous of his talents. Ah. Ok. That made sense to me.

My first reaction to this was irritation and anger. Not at my student. At the bully. At the jealousy. What can my student do? Nothing, really. You cannot control someone else's jealous feelings. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and that is an internal problem. We had a very long discussion about how important it is to stay true to yourself and never let anyone else's insecurities stop you from doing what you love. By the end, he said he would think about performing. I'll take it. Much better than the beginning of the conversation.

It really made me think about jealousy in my own life. I am so jealous of the singer Adele right now. She is so amazing! The way she sings so freely. I want to be like that. But I try to remember what my best friend told me the other day... that there is room in the world for everyone, and that jealousy only holds me back. I think about how it feels to be jealous whenever I sense jealousy coming from others.

When I was performing a lot of shows in the North Florida music scene, I remember feeling like there was an unspoken competition between the (very few) female musicians. When I was there, I could count on one hand how many local female singer-songwriters were opening for touring bands. At the time, I was taking a lot of Women's Studies classes in college, participating in Take Back the Night rallies, going to Lilith Fair, and basically being a very loud cheerleader for women in music, so the thought of other female musicians being jealous of me bothered me a lot. If they could have seen inside my mind, they would have known that I was only excited to see more women rising up to represent music. But, like I said before, you cannot control how other people feel.

If you want to be a musician, or any kind of artist, and you begin to excel, you are going to have to experience jealousy from others. This is a fact. How will you deal with it? Will you let them succeed in destroying your dream in order to make them more comfortable? Or will you stay true to who you are and what you are meant to do in this lifetime? Will you continue to keep them in your life even after experiencing their jealous feelings over and over again? To me, letting jealousy get in your way and letting jealous people stay in your life is a form of self-sabotage. I learned how to let jealous people out of my life long, long ago. This is a difficult life, and you need to be surrounded by people who support you and lift you up.

Shenpa

Yesterday, an interesting thing happened to me. I had one of those music-filled days that I like to blog about, but my mood (as you may have noticed ;) was a bit down. I woke up having one of those blue days, but I was ready to just roll with it. I have been reading a book by my favorite Buddhist author, Pema Chodron called "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves From Old Habits and Fears."

Pema Chodron talks a lot about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of shenpa. Shenpa is that feeling of being very uncomfortable and having an immediate desire to get out of it as fast as humanly possible. Her teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, gives a great metaphor to the first part of that definition. He says that we humans are like children with poison ivy. The itch is very uncomfortable, and the first thing we want to do is scratch, but everyone knows that scratching makes it worse, and will actually cause the discomfort to spread. Shenpa is the experience of feeling the itch and really, really, really wanting to scratch it.

When shenpa is happening, our first instinct is to do something to relieve the discomfort. If we are feeling sad, we may turn on a trashy reality show to take our minds off of the pain, or if someone says something rude to us, our first instinct may be to say something mean back. The problem with giving into shenpa, is that it has consequences. It only relieves our suffering for a short moment, and then we have to live with the guilt of insulting that mean person who was probably just having a really crappy day. In terms of watching a reality show to relieve the suffering, if you are like me, you have to shower or go for a run or something like that to get that gross feeling out of you. Ughhh. We know better, and in moments of shenpa, it is hard to remember that.

The Buddhist response to shenpa is to sit with it. Instead of getting hooked by the feeling and reacting in whatever our conditioned instincts tell us to do, we sit with it and observe. Yesterday was a shenpa-filled day! Jesus, I thought shenpa would never end!

Despite my dramatic introduction, it was actually a wonderful morning. I met 4 students and their wonderful families at the Grammy Museum in Downtown Los Angeles and we saw the John Lennon exhibit. It was so much fun to explore this amazing museum with my students and their parents. They had so much fun playing with the interactive exhibits about music genres and sub genres.

I learned so much myself. There are literally hundreds of genres out there that most of us never learn about. It's really quite amazing.  There was an entire wall dedicated to the history of social change music that made my little heart go pitter-patter. Being in such a sensitive state right now, my eyes even teared up a bit.  If you have not been to the Grammy Museum, I cannot recommend it enough. Anyone who loves music will love this place. It is the only museum I know of that honors and documents 20th and 21st century music from the evolution of sound recording to the evolution of popular music.



The shenpa moments came up in bursts, which is normal when you are going through big changes.  Actually, they are a normal part of everyday, period. As I was watching the amazing video footage of John Lennon at the museum, I felt my heart get very heavy and filled with sadness at the fact that someone took this visionary away from us in such a cruel way. Enter shenpa challenge #1. I wanted to cry and mourn the death of John Lennon and feel angry at the man who shot him. I felt so sad for Yoko Ono, because no matter which side you take on how you feel about her, you can see that she loved him so much. My heart always goes out to her, because when I see footage of the two of them, I feel like I have never seen two people so in love with each other, and how awful to have that taken away from you. With Pema Chodron's teachings fresh in my mind, I decided to practice by feeling every ounce of sadness and then making a conscious decision to let it go and move on. Success.

Shenpa Challenge #2 came during the afternoon when I went home to practice for my evening performance. I kept feeling sad and unmotivated. I had moments where I just wanted to watch TV and not do anything I set out to do. I remembered to sit and observe. I reminded myself that music is a healing process and that if I just get myself to the piano and make myself play something, I will feel better, so I did. And I did feel better. And prepared! ;) Success!

Shenpa Challenge #3 came when I arrived at 7:00 to the gig I was scheduled for. It was a Japan Benefit concert in Hollywood with 40 performers on the list! FORTY PERFORMERS! That is freakin' insane! Of course, the event started 45 minutes late, and each performer was to play one song only and we went in alphabetical order. I almost called my mom to thank her for naming me Michelle and not Vivian, which had been the original plan. I did not go on until almost 10:00. When I saw the roster and did the math on my estimated performance time, I felt a strong desire to make up an excuse and get out of there, but being committed to conquering this shenpa thang, I decided to stay and sit with it. I let myself really listen to the performers I vibed with (and man, there were a lot of good ones!) and I let myself walk around outside and enjoy the moments to myself when I wasn't so into the performances. At first I thought, I committed to this, so I will honor my commitment, and then I can leave. But as the evening went on, and I continued to check in with myself, I noticed I was really having a good time. The musicians were fantastic, really inspiring. There was free food and wine, and the performers who were hanging out outside were a blast to talk to. I had a chance to bond with the guys in the new band I am singing back-up for, and I can't remember a time when I laughed so much. My performance was very well received and I felt a lot of love and appreciation. Then, after every thing was over, 7 musicians and I stayed up until 2 am (when we had to be kicked out ;) and had an impromptu jam session/sing-a-long. We sang  Fire and Rain, Imagine, Hallelujah, Let It Be, Patience. What a blast!

It's funny how I preach so much about the power of music and how healing it is, but I guess when you do something for a living, it is easy to take it for granted. The experience last night was worth waiting for. It was so healing to me. Sitting with the challenging shenpa moments throughout the day were just place holders for an amazing set of musical moments at the end.

When sitting with Shenpa, I am realizing that it's ok to feel a little pain. It's ok to be sad and angry at times. Just remember to sit and not react is the secret. The moment will pass, and a beautiful, exciting moment will eventually come. We just have to be patient.

Simplicity/Love

I have noticed that acoustic music is back. It is popular again. The last time this happened was in the 70's, after the war was over. In the 90's we flirted with it when MTV Unplugged debuted, but it didn't stick. I have noticed that in times of chaos, audiences need calm music to relax their anxious hearts.

I moved into my friend's 300 sq. ft. pool house last week, and I have finally gotten everything settled in. Miles Davis and Chopin Preludes are constantly streaming through my speakers as I work to make this my new home. The funny thing is, despite the tight quarters, I feel like I can breathe again. Having only one room to care for is so liberating. When I wake up, the first thing I see is my piano, and I remember why I was put on this earth. My goal is to live a simple life for as long as I can keep it up. I feel I have a responsibility to the Earth to waste as little as possible, and I owe it to my mind to keep things easy. I have chosen to not own a microwave and I am only buying enough food to keep me fed for a few days at a time. I don't want to waste anything. I am making my own bath products again, and I am washing my clothes by hand. My sewing machine is also waiting patiently for me to get really grounded again.  I find simplicity inspiring.

As I began the songwriting process this week, I tried to apply my philosophy of simplicity. I am one of those songwriters who beats myself up over every cheesy lyric choice, every lame rhyme, and every melody not worthy of being on the radio. My producer friend has given me the very interesting assignment of writing love songs. It figures that as I am going through a divorce that I would be asked to begin writing songs about the very topic I am struggling with now. I suppose this is the perfect time to begin contemplating the merit of relationships through song. Like many who have been burned, I cannot help but feel like marriage is such a joke. Just for myself of course... it is a common side effect for those going through breakups. I know many lovely people in beautiful marriages, but I also know so many who are chronically unhappy in their legal courtships.



I do believe in love. And I feel like love is really the answer to all of our problems. It's a very simple solution, but why is it so hard to achieve? My guess is that we are all stuck in our own inner prisons, seeing the world through our own messy life experiences. As people get older, I notice their ability to love is more and more challenged.

As my intention to live a simple life gets stronger, so will my desire to love unconditionally everyone I meet. I have found the idea of love to be the most powerful tool in every single conflict. When I sit for hours at the piano and come up with nothing, I remember to love myself. Beating myself up makes me want to quit, so the simple solution is love.



In my East L.A. neighborhood, it is very diverse. I like it. I have always lived in neighborhoods where artists meet working class families. There are young latin guys who have a tough and angry look on their faces as they hang around the neighborhood, appearing bored and annoyed with life. They walk with that "don't F%$# with me" sway, tight jaws, and hardened eyes. When a dear West L.A. friend asked me if I ever feel nervous around them, I didn't even hesitate when I said no. I look these boys straight in the eye and give them my most genuine smile and say hello. They say hello back. I can tell that I surprise them, and it gives me a giddy feeling to know that I am fighting the conditioned instinct to feel afraid. Why should I be afraid? We are all humans who all desire the same kind of love and respect from others. Respect and love are the only answers to any concern. All is well when you show love.



Today is day 8 of my experiment with simplicity. My first goal is to finish two love songs I started 2 days ago. I'm fighting the urge to write tricky and poetic metaphors instead of simple phrases that get the important messages across. Love songs are very popular for a good reason. It is something we all want every moment of every day, even if we are too afraid to admit it.