Music Equals Love

All Things Must Pass

2012-02-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Music Lovers,

It's been a busy start to 2012. I have spent the last two months working hard at the piano, singing, guitar, writing, and moving into my new home in Downtown Los Angeles. I am finally settled after a crazy, crazy 2011. I spent quite a bit of energy deciding whether I should continue writing this blog or not, and I have decided it is time to move on and put all of my concentration into the practice of music.

I so enjoy the process of writing about music and philosophy, and surely I will pick it up again in the future, but for now, all of my energy must go into playing and singing. Thank you so much for allowing me to express myself. It has been such a fulfilling experience. Music can change everything.

Love, Peace, and Music,
Bella

John Lennon - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

2011-12-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays, Everyone. Thank you for reading my blog and sharing your thoughts with me. 2011 was a pretty incredible year. I wish all of you a peace and music filled 2012. Remember:
"War is over if you want it."

Love,

Bella

End of an Era

2011-12-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

What a crazy, crazy year. We lost the greatest innovator of our time, Steve Jobs, as well as one of our bravest intellectual thinkers, Christopher Hitchens. Terrorists were captured, dictators died, and we watched as the courageous activist Julian Assange was hunted down which showed the public that you best keep your mouth shut. The Senate passed a bill allowing the military to arrest U.S. citizens without a warrant and to even kill them if necessary. Our way of life is shifting completely, and no one can predict what will happen next. Groundbreaking music helped raise the bar thanks to Arcade Fire, Adele, Cold Play, and Florence and the Machine. We saw countries reclaimed by it's people and our own country did something it hasn't done since the sixties by showing it's frustration with Wall Street and forming the Occupy movement. I feel like I spent at least one moment each day shaking my head in disbelief. It was a crazy year.

What does this mean for music? The only era I can think to reference this time to is the 1960's and what followed in the 1970's. Fans often credit the turbulent period of the 60's as being the fuel for both musicians and fans. Music became the only outlet for expression. We have many outlets for expression, so that isn't good enough these days. What we need now is high quality music that transforms us. We live in an unpredictable time period. Everyone I know agrees that now is the most important time to stay focused on the present. You have no idea what this crazy country will do next and you have no idea if your house will still be yours or if you will still have a job. All you have is now. Music suspends time, and a good musician can make you feel like you have travelled to another plane.

This year I committed to 2-4 hours of music playing a day. Most days I did 3. What happened to me recently is I graduated to a different "zone." After being sick for almost 2 weeks, I lost the ability to sing and it made me desperately appreciate it more. When I was able to sing again, I was more focused than ever. The world outside myself stopped, and time was suspended. For the rest of the day, I was calm and focused. Music changed my life.

Everyone needs music, and I predict what you will see is music that is higher quality than what we have experienced over the past 2 decades. I am hoping for something like the emotion of the 60's and 70's with the high quality sound of the 30's Jazz era. Please people, give me something good.

Quiet Time

2011-12-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

I am finally well after feeling sick for over a week. I can't remember the last time nature silenced me like for such a long time. I was finally able to sing in a San Francisco shower on Sunday morning as I prepared to fly home from a visit with an old childhood friend. The high notes no longer stabbed my throat and the line from note to note was almost fluid rather that interrupted by crackling sounds. I felt grateful. I realize now that I can't take my voice for granted. People always say "I can't sing. No really. I CAN'T sing." And I admit I didn't believe them, but last week I also literally could not sing. It just wouldn't work. I could talk, but even though I tried, music would not come out of me. It was sad.

I spent the week listening to a lot of instrumental classical music, because singing of any kind made me burn with jealousy. Is it possible that my ear has become more sensitive after only one week of this? It seems that my singing notes are more in tune that usual. Perhaps my body needed a little vacation time from all the practice I have been doing to process all of the information. During the week, I played the piano as if I couldn't sing. Every instrumentalist really wants to sing with their voice, but that is not always biologically possible, so they put that energy into the instrument. I finally understood this.

I can't promise a blog post tomorrow, because I feel I need to continue my quiet time to myself. But I am still playing music. That will never stop.

Still Playing

2011-12-07T08:17:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to post an update. I am still sick, but I am playing the piano everyday. I still can't sing, which is unfortunate, but I am putting that energy into my piano playing. The encouraging thing is that my piano voice is getting stronger. I will post more when I am better.

Day 18: Bad Girl

2011-12-05T15:29:00.000-08:00

I was a very bad girl yesterday. I sang on a sore throat. Bad bad bad. Now I am paying the price. I can't sing. I really had no choice. I had my student's piano recital at the retirement home and I always lead sing-alongs at the end. My sickly voice has a real chesty quality. I liked it. It reminded me of the "Friends" episode when Pheobe gets sick and develops this really sexy singing voice. She keeps trying to get sick again so that she can get that great voice back. I admit, the sick voice is kinda cool, but I know better. It's important to rest a tired voice. So today, I didn't sing. Oh I tried, and the sound that came out was sad, sad, sad. So I played piano for 3 hours. It was nice. I played all Christmas songs, because I am less than 15 days away from my first holiday gig. Losing my voice made me put that expressive energy into my playing. A blessing in disguise, I guess.

No Power & Sick

2011-12-03T07:52:00.001-08:00

I know... it wasn't really "stormy" but if you had been here, you would know what I mean.

The Santa Ana winds came two nights ago, and I swear, it was like a hurricane without the rain. So weird and scary! I kept waiting for the moment when a tree would just break through one of my windows. I had a canopy in the backyard that just disappeared before the night was through. The winds blew up to 100 mph where I live, and 145 mph in Pasadena! Trees were uprooted and debris was everywhere. Just got power back last night, and I am still trying to beat a nasty cold. Haven't sung because my throat is sore. Terrible. Today, I feel up for practicing again.

Day 16: Man in the Mirror

2011-11-29T23:06:00.001-08:00

In every voice lesson, Katie makes me sing while looking in the mirror. Like many students, I do not enjoy this. It makes me self conscious. I am supposed to notice the shape of my mouth and jaw while looking for any tension anywhere else in my face. Like most women, I find it difficult to not scold myself when looking in the mirror. Ridiculous, really. Today, because I wanted to make my practice really count, I practiced for 30 minute while looking in the mirror. I told myself I would not berate myself for any reason and I would look at myself in the way I would look at any other student. That is, without judgment. It took a few minutes, but after that, I was really working. The moment any self criticism came up, I reminded myself that I was practicing. And I always tell students that you are supposed to make mistakes when you practice, and then work to fix them, so what's the big deal? Finally, I am learning to take my own advice.

It was interesting to examine myself as if I were one of my students. To look at myself and strip away the personal judgement was empowering. It was a successful practice because even though I made many, many mistakes, I didn't beat myself up over it. I told myself to try again, and eventually I got the sound I wanted. All it took was accepting myself the way I am in this current moment.

Day 15: Staying Present

2011-11-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

I remember I took up meditation when I was very young, because I couldn't focus. Because I wanted to play the piano desperately and I couldn't focus, I had a problem. I worked at it, and over time, I became a very focused musician. With all the life changes that have happened to me over the past few years, it's more challenging to stay present. I find my mind wandering when I play the piano.

I once met a guy who could read books while playing old Jazz standards on the piano. I couldn't understand it, but now I too am capable of reading and talking while playing. It's just a sign that I have practiced for a long time. It doesn't mean the song sounds it's best. It actually sounds ok, but nothing to brag about. If my attention is completely on the music, it sounds amazing. Note by note is the only true way to play, and today I am getting a little closer to getting that old focus back.

Checking In

2011-11-28T09:53:00.001-08:00

I'm still on a serious Tori Amos kick...

Gotta say thanks to all who sent me encouraging words the other day after my "Crucify" post. You guys are amazing! Thanks for letting me know you are out there.

Seems hard to get into the blogosphere on the weekends for me. I will probably skip Saturdays and Sundays and pick it up again on Mondays, but know that I am continuing to practice everyday! Oh yeah-- I have decided to stop calling it practice. I prefer the word play. I will post more tonight.

Day 13: Crucify

2011-11-26T17:30:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest hurdles is my own inner critic. You know what I mean... the bitch in my head who tells me I'm not talented and that everything I create is terrible. She's awful. Everyone has an inner critic. They are usually a combination of every critical voice you have ever heard. Bits of my mean guidance counselor, a smidge of my parents, an ex-boyfriend here and there, a sprinkle of the verbally abusive theatre teacher from high school. It's like they all get together for a party in my head every time I sit down to write a song. I'm still learning how to quiet them down, and from what other artists tell me, this self criticism never really goes away. The inner critic is always there, trying to keep you from doing your work. Tonight I am kicking the negative voices out and I am just going to listen to the music and stay focused.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-26T08:49:00.001-08:00

You may be surprised that I have kept up my commitment during this holiday period. I played piano and sang for about 3 hours each day since Wednesday. That's an hour more than our holiday/weekend agreement :) I've also spent a lot of time sleeping. I will post more later, but for now, I should say that this year I am grateful for music and my friends, books and comedy shows, sketchbooks and watercolor pencils.

Day 10: Losing My Religion

2011-11-23T23:52:00.000-08:00

Today I practiced for 3 hours. It has been impossible to make the four hours happen everyday, but I am determined to make it work. No excuses tomorrow. After Thanksgiving dinner, it is straight to the piano. Even though I didn't complete the 4 hours, today was a good day. I was feeling incredibly bored during my practice, and as I was making tea on a short break, "Losing my Religion" popped into my head. I wonder if it is because I was watching videos of Christopher Hitchens on YouTube last night? Probably. I sang a little out loud and was surprised at how monotone the melody is. It doesn't really move much. This made my first thought at covering the song seem like a bad idea, but then I thought I would try improvising on it a bit, kind of Christopher O'Reily style, on the piano. It was nice! Everyone knows the words to this song, so playing the piano while singing the words in my head was really powerful. When I attempted to sing, it ruined the feel of the song. Maybe Michael Stipe is the only person allowed to sing these lyrics. I thought a lot about my own experience with religion as I played, and I found it to be quite therapeutic. It's really a beautiful song, but playing it thoughtfully on the piano is something special to hear. Maybe one day I will play it for you.

Day 9: Shake It Out

2011-11-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

I realized something this morning. I don't need to work on focusing when I sing, I need to work on singing in order to un-focus on this crazy life. Singing is the most beautiful distraction. If I could add dancing to the mix, I would be on the ultimate trip.

Day 8: Feelings

2011-11-21T17:59:00.001-08:00

I love this video of Nina Simone. There is so much vulnerability in her singing and her facial expression. When I sing, I think so much about the technical side of things that it can be hard to let go and feel. Why is it so hard to feel when we play music? For some it is not hard at all. For many, it is. For me.... sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't. Today I did not. The worst part is I want to feel it. There is feeling inside of me, trapped in a little cage, waiting to burst out. David tells me if I keep practicing with the intention, it will be automatic one day. I believe it, but in the meantime, it is frustrating to want to feel the music, and feel the learned habit of holding back.

When I was 15, I was in love with a boy who was on anti-depressants, against his own wishes and at his parent's insistence. I remember he told me that he couldn't cry anymore. The medicine left him unable to feel strong emotions. I could tell this bothered him a lot. I thought that was the saddest thing I had ever heard. It broke my heart to see him feel sad with no way to release it. The sadness just stayed inside. We may not all take Zoloft or Prozac, but how many of us cover up the sadness with repression, anger, drugs, denial, alcohol? When I watch Fox News clips on the Daily Show, I am amazed at how callous so many people have become. The joy we take in watching people mess up American Idol auditions (or X Factor... whatever the show is now) instead of feeling bad for them and their crushed dreams, the giddiness that overcomes us when we pass the tabloids at the super market. My own vice is watching the Republican debate follies. You could say it is my own version of the American Idol auditions.

And even if we are not participating in the callousness, it effects us. I know for myself, I have learned how to guard myself and keep my feelings hushed in order to avoid embarrassment. A musician can't guard herself. The music will suffer. This is true for any artist, but it is most important for a performer. A performance that is not real and emotionally honest is a waste of everyones energy and time. A good actor believes he is the character he is playing and a good dancer believes she is the violin playing the melody in the song. A good singer becomes the lyrics and a good piano player forgets that he and the instrument are two separate entities. I must make it a habit to feel everything.

New Week: I Shall Be Released

2011-11-21T08:52:00.001-08:00

It is morning on the west coast of America. The weekend was a good breather from my intense practice last week, but I'm really looking forward to another week and the challenge of keeping the commitment going. Have you read the book "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield? In it he talks about resistance and how resistance takes on many forms in the life of an artist. It can take on the form of personal drama, illness, a messy house, and basically any distraction. Over the weekend, I found myself being distracted by things I can't control and I take comfort in knowing that Monday is here and my piano is the number one priority. No distractions. Just focus. I can't believe I am taking comfort in Mondays.

Okay, here I go.

Day Five: A Change Is Gonna Come

2011-11-18T16:48:00.000-08:00

Last night I drank a tiny glass of cheap white wine but still paid the price all night as I struggled to sleep. I kept thinking about things in the past that have nothing to do with the present, and I couldn't get warm. I am afraid to calculate how much sleep I actually got, but I made myself wake to my annoying alarm so I could practice for an hour before my voice lesson. I made my coffee and sat at the piano, staring at the keys for a good 10 minutes before I put the cup down and started playing. I decided to improvise in G Major. I find the key of G comforting. One black key makes things more interesting than C Major, but easier than the other Major keys. I was not awake enough to think too hard, so I let myself play a simple drone in the left hand and my right hand improvised on the scale. I was surprisingly calmed and energized by the time my 20 minute timer went off.

Soon it was time for my voice lesson with Katie, which was wonderful and challenging all at the same time. A beginning voice student was still singing as I waited outside her studio, and I remembered how hard those first years can be. It takes a lot of work to train your ears to hear pitches and then send the information to your voice. In high school, instrumental students scoffed at the singers, stereotyping us as brainless half-wits, but they had no idea how much work it takes to produce a good piece of vocal music. Oh well. There will always be haters. What can you do?

Today was day 5, and I can feel the change a comin'. When a sudden life change happens, it is normal to freak out. I now empathize with people who develop drug and alcohol problems after going through a sudden change like a divorce. Your whole world gets shaken up and it is tempting to grab at the easiest fix to make it through the day. I can tell I have made the right choice to put all of my energy into music. Music is the greatest alternative to chemical abuse, bad relationships, or TV watching, and it is just as addictive. For the first time in 8 months, I can say confidently that this was the best week I have had. It was challenging to get the practice done, but the results are already showing up, not just in my voice, but in my state of mind as well. So glad it's the weekend.... I'm only required to do 2 hours on Saturdays and Sundays. David's cutting me some slack.

See you guys tomorrow. Listen to some inspiring music for me.

Time After Time

2011-11-18T00:13:00.000-08:00

Where does the day go?? Today, I practiced for 2 hours and 20 minutes. I regret missing the rest of my practice time. I am really beginning to enjoy the discipline, but I find it difficult to manage my time wisely. I am afraid I will have to wake up early tomorrow and begin practicing during the time I would normally drink my coffee while staring at the wall. Gotta make the most of every moment.

Day Three: You Can't Always Get What You Want

2011-11-16T13:20:00.001-08:00

I was so glad to fill up my first hour of practice with Katie, my voice teacher, at USC. The thing that amazes me about Katie is that she seems to have this amazing understanding of Eastern Philosophy, but she has never even taken a yoga class. Today, we worked on my high notes on the "Ah" vowel. Even though this is the easiest sound to make in the upper register, I struggle with it. Katie says I try too hard to control the sound which creates tension in my jaw, which creates a tense sound. She says that we have to learn how to let go of the need to control everything, that our voices are not truly controllable because they are always changing. My voice will be different tomorrow, and there is nothing I can do about it. The trick is to let go of the expectation and need to control every little detail. I told her that she sounded like a Buddhist and that I was going to name her "Yoga Master of Singing." She laughed but didn't totally know what I meant. I told her about the Buddhist concept of non-attachment, how every moment passes and nothing is permanent and the secret to happiness (according to Buddhists) is to learn how to accept that fact of life. Once I gave up the feeling of needing to be in control, my high notes began to soar clearer than ever.

After yoga, I mean singing class, I ran on my favorite trail in Elysian Heights near Dodgers Stadium. Running has helped me feel stronger when I sing, and I am pretty sure it has helped me increase my breath support. After running, it was back to the studio to practice. I am happy to report that I fulfilled my 4 hour requirement today. I'm exhausted, but calm.

I want to carry on the deeper message of my voice lesson into the rest of my life. You really can't control everything, but if you show up and do your work, there is a good chance you will have a positive outcome. Frustration is the real killer - acceptance makes you resilient. You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. :)

Day Two: So Lame

2011-11-15T23:34:00.001-08:00

Due to a little personal drama, I only had time to practice for 2.5 hours. I sound like one of my students.... Tomorrow, I will practice more than 4 hours to make up for the lost time. The good news is that I can now hold my singing notes out for 2 seconds longer than before. That means my breath control is getting stronger. My range has also increased by 2 half steps. My highest note was C, 2 octaves above middle C, just a week ago, and now I am up to a D flat. Hard work does pay off! Need to sleep and wake early for my voice lesson. I promise tomorrow's post will be more exciting.

Day One of Practice Bootcamp

2011-11-14T23:39:00.001-08:00

I am going to make this quick, because I am so tired and I have to wake up at 6 am in order to get a head start on tomorrow's 4-hour practice requirement. I started at my normal 11:00 time today, but I can tell I will have to plan better for some days. I was able to get 2 hours of consistent song practice done in the early half of the day, but I had to get the other 2 worked out this evening, after my lessons. Does teaching piano lessons count as practice? No... unfortunately it does not.

I kept track of my practice in a word document to make sure I was really practicing for 4 hours. I broke everything up into 20 minute intervals. 20 minutes of vocal warm-ups, 20 minutes of piano improv, 20 minutes of each song. It's exciting that I have enough material to fill up 4 hours. Since I went through 5 out of the 6 original songs we have this morning, I decided to spend an hour singing a few of the songs a cappella. A cappella practice was David insistence, um I mean, idea. I resisted it at first. Mainly because I find it boring. I don't know what to do with my hands, so I did some wrist exercises while I sang... I'm such a multi-tasker (or am I just A.D.D?) Turns out he was right. A cappella singing forced me to fine-tune some of the melodies I have been singing.

Ok, that's it for tonight. I'm so tired.... need sleep.

Cracking the Whip

2011-11-14T09:03:00.001-08:00

Today, I have to begin practicing for 4 hours a day. Even if it is 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night. For the past 4 months or so, my daily practice goal has been 2-4 hours. Now, David has made it clear that I need to work 4 hours a day. I agree. At some point in any artist's work, you have to become more committed and spend more time on your craft than anything else. That means that everything else gets scaled back, including the blogging. My posts will be shorter, but because I am putting less pressure on myself to write long posts, I will be able to update the blog more often. That could be good news for this blog. I always wondered how other bloggers are able to post everyday.... I always thought it would be nice to be one of them.

So... look forward to shorter but more frequent updates on my thoughts on music as well as the progress of my practice. I will try to check in tonight to let you know how day one of practice bootcamp goes.

Peace & Music,
Bella

Someone Save My Life Tonight

2011-11-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

If I didn't despise the taste of alcohol so much, I would be addicted to AA meetings at this point. Instead, I have decided to drown my worries and concerns in music. I have listened to Funeral by Arcade Fire four times, Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music by Ray Charles two times, Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys once, July Flame by Laura Viers twice... and I think that's it... all since yesterday afternoon. I am afraid to remove my headphones. I even tried to wash my face with them on, but then I realized that it would be impossible to not potentially ruin a very nice pair of Marshalls, so I took a 2 minute break in the name of personal hygiene.

There are moments when I just want to scream. There are moments when I feel alone and sad. Most days, my go to fix is an old Sarah Silverman episode on Hulu, but I was really beginning to think the TV watching was becoming problematic. I remembered my high school days when life seemed to permanently suck, and I remembered the many, many hours I spent in my room absorbing music. I thought it was time to revisit that era. Wow. Big difference. Reality seems to change once the headphones are on. Like really change. Normally I listen to music through regular speakers and the only time I use my headphones is when I am running. To sit down and really listen to music with headphones is a completely different experience. There is no division between you and the sounds. They are literally going into your body and vibrating with you. Why don't I do this all the time???

Once again, music is saving my life. No matter what is going on, I always have music. If my ipod is dead, I have my piano. If my piano is far away, I have my voice. No matter what happens, there is always, always, always music.

Charles Limb: Your brain on improv | Video on TED.com

2011-11-05T08:53:00.001-07:00

Just saw this fascinating video. I love when science marries music:

Charles Limb: Your brain on improv | Video on TED.com

Still Here, Just Waiting

2011-11-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

I hate it when a whole week goes by and I don't have an idea for a blog post. So far I have had nothing to say for two weeks. I have been quiet in my personal life too. Lately, I find it easier to listen than to speak. I find myself unwilling to use my voice unless it is absolutely necessary. In the past two weeks, I have only written one song. Something is definitely up, but I am not sure what it is.

I remember when I was a kid, I found inspiration everywhere. It was a rare moment when I had anything critical to say about any particular song or artist and I loved all forms of entertainment. I could spend hours in the woods pretending to be an explorer and then go inside to play fashion model dress-up with my sister. As time goes by, I have become so particular. It's too bad, actually. I look around and I see so much to be inspired by. In Los Angeles I can be hypnotized by the street fashion alone and I have to say music is getting more interesting, especially with Pandora and satellite radio so easily available.

I had a conversation last night with a casual friend. It was one of those conversations that make me believe in angels, because the timing is just so perfect. He told me that when you are in a transitionary period it is normal to feel blah but one day, the passion comes back and life is exciting again. I'm skeptical, but I want to believe him. Since I started the transition from legally attached person to liberated adult, I have dealt with a lot of ups and downs. I have weeks where I write 2 blog posts and melodies jump out of my head and onto the piano and I feel enthusiastic about life and the future. But then there are weeks when I have to remember that eating is necessary for human survival and that even though it seems like a burden, sleep is important too.

Something happened a few days ago. I was singing and David was in the other room. He told me that something was changing in my voice. It was hitting a nerve in him that felt different from before. I can feel it too. My voice is growing up and I can feel that the pain of a dramatic life transition is finally fading away. If my life were a movie, I think this would be the part when the musician finally begins to get crazy productive again, discovering singing techniques that had been difficult before and becoming confident in ways she never imagined. Of course, that is *if* my life were a movie, because right now I am just sitting in a Starbucks listening to the new Feist album, trying to get some inspiration.

I seriously hope this transition moves quickly. Lack of blog inspiration is definitely equal to lack of songwriting inspiration. See you guys soon?

What The Body Remembers

2011-10-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

I have heard stories of 80 year old women remembering dance steps from nights out in their 20's and adults who were once upon-a-time piano students sitting down at the piano to remember every note to "Fur Elise." In massage school, I learned that we hold memories in our bodies. Both trauma and pleasant times literally sit in our bodies, waiting to be triggered. I have experienced this myself... spontaneously crying or laughing during various types of bodywork. When I sit quietly, I can feel the weight of repressed expression sitting in my jaw while I gently ask it to release and leave me alone for just one hour of meditation. Anger is trapped in my neck and the only thing that releases it is a clever joke. The fears that occupy my shoulders perk up anytime I sit at the piano, making it impossible for me to keep my posture perfectly straight. My body is like a library of every emotional experience I have ever had.

If my body is like a library, then my singing lessons are like the card catalog. Every note, exercise, and song recalls an event I have experienced before. I can vividly remember 9th grade choral concerts, failed auditions, crying at competitions that earned me 2nd place equivalent scores, my first piano recital, my first solo in church, the first time I felt free on stage, hives that surfaced on my arms before dive bar performances. So many experiences have been sitting inside me, stagnated by the responsibilities of adulthood and the stress of being aware of the outside world.

In Wunderkind, a novel about a boy piano genius living in Communist Bulgaria, the main character, who is like a smarter and more talented version of Holden Caufield, complains that he hates hearing adults play Chopin Nocturns because they never get it right. Only young people can play Chopin with the sensitivity his legacy deserves. I understand what he means, and it is part of my daily struggle as a musician who is past the age of 18.

When I was more innocent and naive, I felt music internally. The sound waves of each song pierced through me and the vibrations of the piano strings shot straight into my arms, up my shoulders, and into my brain, making me feel light-headed and calm. As my singing range increased, and the resonance in my high notes became more vibrant, choral practice would make me disoriented in a way I would later understand as feeling "high." The danger of the college years, when young people experiment with chemically induced pleasures, is that it becomes harder to reach these states in the original, natural way, with music.

Yesterday in my voice lesson, I caught a glimpse of this original state again. Just like the first time when I was 17, my high notes came out of me in a relaxed manner and I felt the buzzing in my head as my eyes and jaw relaxed once more. The whole day I felt calm and at peace with everything. I carried the calm with me through my practice, teaching, and my evening rehearsal. Because of this calm state, I was able to make mistakes without hating myself and create melodies without fear. This calm has been sitting within for a long time, and my body finally reminded me. The body always remembers.

The Musician's Voice

2011-09-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I mused on the importance of the Artist's voice. Today I want to specifically talk about the awesome power of the Musician's voice. The Musician's voice is indeed POWERFUL. More powerful than any other Art form. I would be willing to debate the role of Film and Literature in this contest, but I think Music would win every time. Here's why: While a film or a book can be so powerful in changing minds that governments will ban the viewing of such spectacles, most of us will only see or read the scandalous piece once while a song is played several times over and over and over again. You can't help but be affected by it. It gets in you whether you like it or not. The melody and the words repeat in your head over and over again long after the song is finished.

In the 60's, music played a major role in changing the culture of the Western world. Rock and Roll had this way of getting under your skin in a way no other style had before. Jazz got close, but nothing affected the youth culture like Rock and Roll. When Rock and Roll hit the scene, teenagers all of sudden found their voice! The rebellious overtones in the lyrics and the primitive drum beats and guitar riffs reached inside and made everyone stand up and dance as if no one was watching. The music was created by black musicians, and the admiration and love from the white suburban kids surely played a role in the early days of the Civil Rights movement. If a musician can make you feel good, you don't care what color their skin is, and these kids were not afraid to tell their racist parents about it either. As the fans grew older, they started their own bands, unarguably ripping off the black music they so enjoyed, and the rebellious nature took on a more confrontational tone that pointed the finger at segregationists and war mongers. This music is what propelled the Civil Rights and Anti-Vietnam War movements. The music was played on the radio over and over again, and it hit an emotional nerve you could not ignore.

In 2003, I wondered how music would affect us in our beliefs surrounding the Iraq invasion. I listened to the radio and waited. And waited. Nothing revolutionary came on. Musicians had an opportunity to use their power and missed it. We were all too scared to say anything, but to be fair to my musical colleagues, even if someone had written a protest song, it would not have been played. In 2001 post 9-11, Clear Channel posted a memorandum to 1,200 radio stations across the U.S. which banned 165 "lyrically questionable" songs. Songs like "Knockin' on Heaven's Door," "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," and "Stairway to Heaven" were deemed too heavy for a nation grieving the terrorist attacks. We were in this hyper-sensitive shock mode where everyone had to stuff their feelings inside. What if we had been able to listen to "Wonderful World" (also on the list) and think about the 9-11 victims and just let ourselves cry? What would have been wrong with that? If a radio station couldn't play a song about dying, they certainly wouldn't be allowed to play an anti-war song. And we all remember what happened to the Dixie Chicks....

Now we are in a different era. Musicians need to own up to their power and realize that their voices are important. As awful as I find the censorship, the fact is that Clear Channel was smart. They knew music is powerful enough to influence our emotions, and they acted swiftly. In a so-called "free country" we should have the right to express our feelings through music. Censorship became a form of validation to me. The leaders of our country knew that music could change the culture's mind and were quick to act. I don't know how confident the musicians themselves are about this.

Being a musician means being cursed with ego problems. Our egos are fragile and often depend on the validation of an audience. Most of us never learn to become our own biggest fans, and therefore we are always living at the will of others. This has to stop. We have to realize that our voices hold tremendous power. If you really believe in what you are doing, criticism has to roll off your back. For myself, I have only one person in my life I listen to when it comes to criticism. Everyone else can say whatever they like, and I will not take it personally. I have come to realize that if I count on everyone's opinion, I will never get anywhere, because everyone is so extremely different in their opinions about music.

I've battled my ego for too long, and I am finally starting to realize that I have something to say with my music. It's impossible to please everyone, but for those who want to listen, I know I make an impact. Do you feel that way about yourself? Do you sing fearlessly? Dance freely? Play your instrument with soul? Speak your truth?

Maybe it's time to start.

The Artist's Voice

2011-09-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

No voice is more important than an Artist's voice. A political voice is full of lies, a religious voice is sprinkled with uncertainty, and a student's voice is concerned with winning approval. The Artistic voice is the voice that is brave enough to express itself with complete and unapologetic confidence. The Artist's voice can do this because it doesn't claim to have all of the answers, it only projects the feelings of the one carrying the voice. The Artist expresses what he feels and observes. He doesn't pass it off as fact. He sends it off into the world as an idea based on his experience, and he does it in a way that hits the listener in their emotional center.

I grew up nestled in a little arts community smack dab in the middle of a religiously oppressive city in the Bible Belt. Every form of artistic expression was like sticking our middle fingers up at the leaders of our town. You want to speak out against gays in the military? (Which is what happens when you mix military town with Southern Baptist run government) We will study the play "Angel's in America." You want to host a Promise Keepers conference, a sexist organization of men who vow to become the dominant rulers of the household? We will produce "The Vagina Monologues." You think Jews are less than Christians? Let's cancel an entire day of classes to watch "Schindler's List" and then have a panel discussion about it (yes, that really happened). Got a problem with the rising equality of blacks and whites? We will make every high school student read as many African-American authors as possible within the time frame of a school year. Why don't we learn to sing a few African-American spirituals while we're at it?

The lesson I learned is that Art is powerful. A strong Artistic voice belongs to someone who gets very quiet, goes deep within, and confidently shares what she finds. She doesn't care if you agree with her or not, and this is the secret to why Artists are the coolest people on Earth. My friend, Brett Anderson, who I can only describe as professional bad-ass and lead singer of "The Donnas," said to me the other day that "the only thing that makes you truly cool is when you stop giving a shit about what anyone else thinks of you." That is how an Artist thinks.

Some people will shiver at the idea of expressing yourself unashamedly, worried they will offend someone. The Artist knows without a doubt that it is impossible to never offend anyone. This cannot be done! So why waste your energy censoring your voice in the hopes of making everyone like you? Katie, my singing teacher, was critiquing me on my stage fright the other day. She told me that 99% of the population doesn't have the guts to get on stage and sing so I need to remember that what I do is special. That was powerful to hear and I wanted to extend the thought out to all kinds of Artists. I would stretch it out further by saying that 99% of the population doesn't have the courage to express themselves confidently and say what they really think, so remember that using your Artistic voice makes you special.

The 10th anniversary of 9-11 made me think about expression and censorship. Do you remember what it was like before 9-11 and then the day after? All of a sudden, critics were shunned. It was a terrible time to be an Artist. No dissenting opinion was allowed. Comedy was terrible because the only comics allowed on TV were the ones who cheered on that asshole in the White House. Music was either sentimental or emotionally bland and not at all challenging. TV stayed the same and writers were too scared to really say anything. Art just stopped and fear took over. This is one of the most devastating memories of our modern history. Don't you think it's time to get over the fear? I know I am tired of worrying about what other people will think of me if I open my mouth and show you how much emotion comes out of me when I sing. If you can't handle it, you can listen to something else. It won't bother me. There are plenty of other people in this world who still truly appreciate an Artist's voice and still work every day to cultivate their own. Those are the people I want to be around and those are the people I work for. When I stand in my rehearsal space and work through all the kinks in my voice, and I humble myself enough to cry through a song, I'm doing it for the ones who still care about real honest expression. I'm doing it out of respect for this sacred communication tool I call the Artist's voice.

A Warrior Doesn't Quit

2011-09-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

The artist and the warrior are not so different. Both keep fighting no matter what.

Today marks the 100th time I have heard an adult say, "I wish my parents had not let me quit piano lessons!" OK, I'm lying. I don't really know the exact number of times I have heard this, but I hear it a lot. A LOT. When I tell people I am a piano teacher, I hear one of two things: their own musical pursuits or their regret for giving it up. The past two weeks have been very challenging for me as a singer. Every day I have had at least one moment when I've thought about quitting, but every day I have also made progress. It's a funny thing, the way the mind works during music practice. Any ounce of imperfection can make me want to throw my hands up and turn my back on this silly little goal of becoming a great musician. Only it isn't a silly little goal, and making mistakes is how you become a great musician. Every artist must develop a warrior mindset about practice. A warrior keeps training, even when he's tired and even when he makes mistakes.

I started Classical singing lessons last week with Katie, a doctoral student at University of Southern California. David thought it would be great to fine-tune my sound, and I agreed that the Classical model is the best approach. Katie has a beautiful operatic voice and she teaches in a relaxed and calm manner. She is a great example for someone jittery like me with my tight jaw and tense shoulders. I sang Italian Art Song for the first time in a decade and we were both surprised at how quickly the technique came back to me. I was able to pronounce the Italian correctly 98% of the time, and I hit all the notes fairly comfortably. But not EVERYTHING came back. I've developed some bad habits that I did not have when I was in the middle of my intense days as a student. My notes could be more pristine and my jaw is so tense. Katie told me to move my jaw in circles and move my tongue side to side. I look like a crazy person, but I think it's helping. I have decided to call it "face yoga."

From Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, my favorite warrior themed movie.

In my experience, piano students flirt with the idea of quitting once they reach level 4 or 5. I think when you reach this point in your practice you are starting to sound really good, but you have to begin working harder. I know for myself at that time, I felt frustrated that I wasn't perfect yet. I smiled as I wrote that, because after 15 years of practice, I am still not a perfect pianist and now have the wisdom to know I never will be. Students are usually approaching age 10 or 11 by this year and they are starting to develop different priorities in their lives and sometimes they sacrifice piano for other pursuits. They don't want to work hard to get better. They just want to play perfectly without trying. It doesn't work like that. That is not the warrior mindset. You have to keep working. Music is a discipline. If you stop pushing yourself, you will end up like the retired ninja who no longer trains and has the waistline to prove it. Your skills will plateau. What you already know will be very easy, but very boring.

While 11 year olds may in fact quit, because they would rather hang out with friends than practice the piano, I know I will not really quit. My moments of wanting to quit are more like the moments when you have a fight with your boyfriend, and you storm out of the room threatening to break up when all you really want is for him to chase after you. It's all talk. On my amazing practice days I congratulate myself and feel really good, and on the rough days, I feel frustrated but remind myself that music is a discipline. Just like a warrior in battle, you don't pull out because you are tired or scared. You keep fighting. The life of any artist is like this. When you believe you were put on this earth to create, you keep practicing. You have to stay strong and keep going.

Singing = Yoga

2011-09-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

After spending some free time at the piano this summer playing through Jazz tunes like "Autumn Leaves," "Cheek to Cheek," and "Fly Me to the Moon," I am back to focusing 100 percent on my life's purpose: singing. Singing is a really fascinating experience. Unlike external, material instruments, the voice is the only invisible instrument we carry with us at all times. To study singing is very difficult. You cannot see the actual instrument, you can only feel and hear it, and the terms used in voice lessons can sometimes seem a bit esoteric: feel the vibrations coming from inside your head or your chest, make the sound vibrate in your nasal cavities, "think" the notes higher (as my high school choir teacher used to say). Voice teachers are used to seeing a lot of puzzled faces on new students.

I studied Classical Voice intensely when I was a high school student. I studied mainly Italian Art Song, German Lieder, Gospel Choir, and Catholic-style Latin Mass music. As a teacher, there is only so much you can do for your students, because there is no way to really demonstrate on the actual instrument they possess. You can sing for them and try your best to describe how you do it, but ultimately, I find the experience of studying voice to be more spiritual in nature for the student. Which is why I titled this post "Singing=Yoga."

Triangle Pose

In yoga, we learn how to stretch our bodies in ways that seem impossible at first. With visualization and breath, we learn how to twist and stretch, and once we conquer a pose, the result is a calm, almost meditative feeling. I am beginning to feel the same way about singing practice. One must use breath and visualization to make the internal vibrations come out as pleasant, flexible sounds.

Everyday, before I practice, I do thirty minutes of vocal warm-ups and then I practice a form of meditation called "Toning." In eastern philosophy, it is believed that we all possess seven chakra points, or wheels of energy throughout the center of our bodies. In this philosophy, it is believed that each chakra point can be balanced by singing it's pitches that supposedly resonate with each chakra. For the lowest chakra point at the base of our spines, we sing a very low pitch, and as the focus goes higher up the spine, the corresponding pitch also raises. I spend about five minutes toning each point. It not only helps me focus my mind, but singing extended notes helps me practice vocal control. After I finish, I am calm and my voice is steady.

For several weeks I have kept this daily vocal practice going, and it is paying off. Something clicked today. For the first time, all of the notes came out of me with very little effort. It was like all of my internal muscles relaxed, and the sounds that came out of me where beautiful to feel. I remembered very clearly how I fell in love with the act of singing when I was a very young teenager. It is very much like spending a year trying to form the perfect triangle pose in yoga, struggling each time to get your arms to reach up and down in a perfect vertical line, while your legs form a perfectly straight upside-down V and your face turns up toward the sky. At first it is impossible, but after a lot of practice, one day everything just falls into place, and the result is worth it. Once you form that perfect pose, and you are relaxed enough to take in a calm breath or two: total peace.

I felt that way today as I sang. For several months, I have struggled to get my voice back in shape the way it once was. After years of only singing folk and rock music, my range had withered to only two octaves, and my breath control was weak compared to what I once bragged about. Today, the hard work finally proved to be worth it, because just like spending a year in a challenging yoga class, everything finally clicked and I felt the encouragement to keep going. Just like yoga practice, my muscles finally figured out how to relax so I could take a breath or two, and for a few moments I felt total peace.

Stage Fright

2011-08-30T00:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight I played the banjo for the first time in public for a full set of songs. I accompanied my friend, Rachael Harryman, a singer-songwriter originally from Kentucky. We performed at Bar Lubitsch in West Hollywood. I was nervous and excited. I love the banjo. I think I might love it more than the guitar. I don't know if this will make sense or not, but the feel of plucking the strings and the sound it makes against the drumhead is similar to the way it feels in my vocal cords when I sing. It has a flexible sound and it resonates more like a human voice than the guitar strings. I was nervous because it was new in a lot of ways. I have only been playing the banjo casually for 4 years, and I had never played country music before I met Rachael. I wanted to do it because I like Rachael's music, and I wanted to challenge myself.

I am always nervous when I perform. I was very relieved when, after the show, David told me that I seemed totally comfortable on stage. (I have always been very good at deceiving audiences in that way.) In high school, we were taught to always appear comfortable on stage, even if we were terrified. One time in college, I opened for my favorite band at the time, Le Tigre, and I was so nervous my knees were shaking. That is a real problem when you are standing up playing a heavy Les Paul electric guitar. Even then I had to first figure out how to look at ease, and second, remember how to play my songs.

On my way to the show, I thought about stage fright. I was trying to relate it to life the way I always like to do. I realized that stage fright is something we all deal with, even if we are not performers. Sometimes we have to speak to a large group at work and that can be scary, but sometimes the stage fright can happen when you have to talk to one person. I have known so many people who are afraid to say what they want to say. I know I have been that person many times as well. The dilemma of the performer has to do with a fear of failure, and I think the same is true in our own personal interactions. At work, there may be a difficult boss who talks to you in a disrespectful manner. The thought of speaking up about it with her could be very scary. I think doing so would bring up a similar feeling to stage fright. So maybe the answer is to treat it the same way a performer would prepare for a show? Practice. Consider all the possible ways to perform the song. Then, share the different ways with someone you trust to give you honest feedback. Really think about the way the material will be delivered. And be totally confident that you know what you are doing. You want to always appear like you are brave even if your knees are shaking.

Once I realized that we all have stage fright on a pretty regular basis, I relaxed. I was still nervous, but I felt more at peace with the nervousness. I knew it just meant that I care very much about the outcome and all of the hard work I did preparing for the show. I would like to be honestly comfortable on stage, and I think I may have nailed the first step to doing that. A Buddhist would say I have "made friends" with stage fright. I feel I am understanding what it is, and by doing that, I may be a little closer to overcoming it.

Feelings

2011-08-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am trying to allow more feeling into my music. When I wasyounger, I had no problem baring my soul through music, but as I have gottenolder, the walls have become thicker. The problem with this is the musicsuffers. In order to become a great musician, you have to allow your feelingsto come through. It is a very vulnerable place to be.

I started a major life transition 6 months ago, and I havehad to ride a wave of different emotions throughout the process. I have triedto put those feelings into the music, and I get a little closer as each monthpasses. I still struggle with letting go completely, but I can tell I amgetting there.

Over the last two weeks, David has been out of town, so ina way, I had time off. I still practiced each day and worked on songwriting,but without our regular rehearsals, I had more freedom to do other things. Idecided to do activities that would get me in touch with my feelings. I went totwo very dramatic plays, took a few yoga classes, took two modern dance classesand attended a Breathwork class with Gong Bath at the end. That last one probably sounds the mostintriguing, and it certainly was.

My dear friend, Andrew Kutchera, leads breathwork classes here in LosAngeles. I met him when I was performing at a yoga studio many months ago. In his workshops, we learn to do a 3part breath that starts at the diaphragm, moves into the lungs, and exitsthrough the mouth. We do this for 45 minutes, lying on our backs, covered inblankets. It sounds like it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it definitely is.

We always start each session with intention setting. Lately,my intentions have had to do with confidence and believing I have a right toshare my voice with the world. Atthis last class, I decided I wanted to become more grounded in how I feel aboutthings. Everything. My opinions about life, my philosophy, the path I havechosen for myself… I want to feel secure in the way I see the world. I am avery sensitive person, and for a long time, I have questioned the way I believemy life should be. Sensitive people tend to spend a lot of energy pleasingothers, and for the first time in my life, I am living totally for myself. Ineed to own that, and become more confident in the choices I have made. Thiskind of self-improvement is essential for becoming a better artist.

The breathwork experience was heightened by the Gong Bath. Avery nice man, Nicolo from Italy, played the gongs through the entire session!Gongs are amazing. When a gong is struck, you can feel the vibrationsthroughout the entire room. Thevibrations from the gong plus the repeated breath technique made me feel as ifI were on some kind of drug. It was really incredible. As I continued tobreathe, my body became more and more aware of all the emotional ups and downsI have dealt with lately. The gongvibrations hit me in a way I did not expect. When you hear a song from yourchildhood, your body usually responds. You have a memory and you feel like youare back in that same place where you heard the song for the first time. The gongs hit me in a similar way, on aspiritual level. I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that I would be all right.It is okay that I am who I am. It’s time to own it.

After the class I had the sudden urge to sing “Vincent(Starry, Starry Night)” by Don Mclean. This song is about Vincent Van Gogh. Howhe was so sensitive and so different and out of place and how misunderstood he felt at times. For some reason, this song really called out to me, andI have been singing it for over a week. I was so moved by the chorus that forseveral days, I cried each time I sang it. Normally, I would stop singing itafter crying no less than 6 times, afraid of the emotion inside of me, but thistime, I decided to sing through it, tears and all. I’m sure the neighborswondered why this girl was torturing herself sobbing through a song like that,but to me it was really a beautiful experience. I felt like I reallyexperienced the music at a deep level. I no longer felt afraid to experience myreal feelings through song.

Showing Up

2011-08-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

It is a fact that most piano students hate to practice. I don't know why this is. I was never that way. I was one of the odd exceptions. I have a few students who are also the exception. They are focused and seem to get a thrill off of the hard work and resulting accomplishments. But most students... I wonder if they think it is their divine right or something? To play perfectly without practice, that is. I don't know... I shouldn't assume such harsh judgements, but it is also a fact that if you are going to play music well, you have to practice. No exceptions.

Writers can relate to this resistance to practice. Writers know very well that you must have the discipline to show up everyday and write, even if what you write is terrible. The point is to show up. Buddhists use this term as well, when talking about meditation practice. We can resist sitting on the cushion, telling ourselves we don't have time, but if we commit to 5 minutes, it is likely we will end up sitting longer. The same is true for all creative practice.

I have anxiety about songwriting. I also fear my own songs. I worry about sitting at the piano, because of the disappointing and impending doom of having to eventually get up and fulfill my other responsibilities. That is the problem of not being present, and the anxiety is really about my fear of failure, my fear of writing embarrassingly awful melodies and singing borderline cliche's. All of this rumbles through me at about 10:30 every morning as I anticipate my 11:00 start time for practice. I have dealt with this for years, and yet, I still manage to write songs that are okay, and despite my intense fear of failure, my voice continues to improve. This is why I say you have to show up first.

I am very hard on myself. I still think I could be a better songwriter, and my fingers could flow over the piano with more ease, my voice could soar with less effort, I could tear up the guitar with better solos, but for now, I just need to relax about showing up.

Open to Wisdom

2011-08-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have always been resistant to authority, leery of "experts," and closed off to unsolicited advice from musicians. I am self-taught in many ways, and I suppose I can be a bit of a snob when it comes to education. It's just that I recall one too many situations with guitar dudes giving me advice as a substitute for clever pickup lines and bored teachers in my public middle school getting through the day the way I used to drag myself through a 4 hour shift at my first job at the hosiery counter in J.C. Penneys. I just don't trust everyone to give me good advice.

But one day last year, I decided I needed help. I needed to find someone who could guide me through this tricky world we call the Music Industry. I needed a producer or a manager or just someone who would kick my ass and give it to me straight. I wanted to find someone with a genuine love of music and writing who could see my own very serious commitment as well. I found that person several months ago, and it has been life changing.

David and I spend several hours a week practicing and writing. He spends a lot of time talking, and I spend a lot of time listening. He tells me when the notes suck and when I lack feeling. He also tells me he believes in me and the music I have to share with the world. Being in this position has made me empathize more with my students. It is challenging to hear criticism, even if you get compliments as well, but if I want to grow and progress into the great musician and singer I know I can be, then I have to listen and trust.

Because of my work with David, I am now on a tight schedule that includes running, meditation, singing exercises, piano practice, guitar practice, diction, song interpretation, and writing. I only socialize on the weekends and by the end of the day I am falling asleep faster than ever before. I love it. I love the discipline and focus and I love feeling the flexibility increase in my vocal chords as I work to get back the range I once had from singing 1st Soprano in choirs for 8 years.

The process has reminded me of what it is like to be a music student. I went to a public performing arts high school similar to the one in the movie and T.V. show, "Fame." We didn't have any bored J.C. Penney-worthy faculty at that school, and I loved being their student. I had the same kind of discipline then (better actually) as I do now. I remember spending each morning in the piano lab practicing for one hour before school, 3 hours of music classes scattered among my academic classes, and then after the final bell rang, it was off to a musical theatre rehearsal. I performed church solos several times a month, and I remember loving the life of a serious music student. I feel something similar these days.

It is comforting to trust someone else and become open to their wisdom. The process has made me respect the student's position more than I had before. I suppose I am beginning to better understand the role of a teacher, and therefore gaining a new respect for the way I make my living. A good teacher is someone who offers you wisdom without the influence of their ego, believes in you and what you are capable of accomplishing, and isn't afraid to push you when you are slacking in areas you know you can improve.

Becoming open to wisdom is making my life a little easier. David is a great teacher, and I am learning so much about patience, trust, and discipline. I have noticed that as I become more open to the wisdom in others, I begin to relax a little more about this life, and I begin to feel less alone in this world.

Music Equals Love

2011-08-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

First off, I hope you like the new look and title of the blog. I originally started this blog as a project with my students almost 2 years ago. "38 Ways to Change the World Through Music" was a list I created to teach my students that music making and performance is not done for ego purposes, but for making our world a better place. My idea was to teach my students that music can change the world. As a musician or fan, music makes a big difference in our lives everyday.

I have written articles here about the role music has played in changing the way our society thinks and behaves. I also have posted about my trips to retirement homes and hospitals alone and with my students to share our musical gifts with those down on their luck. It has been a life changing experience. Truly. I still believe in the power of music to change the world. I try to change the world one blog post at a time by being real with you about how music has changed my life and continues to do so. Because the blog has become so personal, I thought it was time to change the title.

"Music Equals Love" is how I feel and I know you agree. Music has changed my life and I see how it changes your life and those around you every single day. Where would I be without that one perfect song to get me through a tough time? Or that upbeat dance tune that makes me smile? Where would I be without my piano to get me through insomnia filled nights and what would I do if I didn't have my voice to sing out my deep feelings and emotions? Where would any of us be without music?

I hope you like the new look of the blog, and I want to thank all of you who read my words and continue to follow my journey through this world as I learn how to navigate as a musician, seeker, teacher, and student.

Strength & Patience

2011-07-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

Music has always kept me going. Through depression, anxiety, abrupt change, and illness, music has always been there for me. I remember the first moment when I felt that emotional pull from the harmonies of a song. I was 6 years old and I was hanging out on the construction site where my dad was building our new house in Florida. I had recently been plucked from my New England existence and dropped into a swampy and hot reality in St. Johns County. After school I would go to the site and listen to the radio while dad worked until sunset. Like most kids, I preferred the top 40 station, and I remember hearing "Hands to Heaven" by Breathe. Not as profound as you were probably hoping for, but it pulled at my heart, and for an instant, I felt less alone.

I have had a lot of unexpected challenges in my life lately, and the only thing keeping me grounded is music, specifically the guitar. I find this surprising about myself, because I have a love/hate relationship with the guitar. New students always make the mistake of thinking the guitar is easy. It's really no wonder why they think this. Everyone and their brother plays the guitar and those who play well make it look very easy. But, as I always warn them, the guitar is very difficult to play. It is difficult because it requires two things many people do not possess: strength and patience. Strength is the key factor in good guitar playing, and you need patience while you develop that strength. To make a good sound, your fingers need to become strong and flexible and your arms need to have the endurance to stay up for an extended amount of time. My latest musical hero is Lindsey Buckingham, the former guitarist and musical mastermind of the late 70's band Fleetwood Mac. I love the way he plays the guitar. He exhibits so much strength in the way he plays.

When Lindsey plays, the guitar is merely a vessel for the music inside of him. He is making that sound. Every song he has ever loved, every traumatic and happy experience he has ever had, every great singer and instrumentalist he has ever heard... all of that is resonating inside him and the vibrations come out as music through his guitar and voice. He can command a stage all alone where most need a band to create that kind of power. His voice is strong because he is in the moment with the lyrics and you can tell the words come from his heart. His fingers have the same honest expression. In the song "Never Going Back Again," his right hand plays a continuous roll while his left hand seems to fly all over the place playing both supportive accompaniment as well as lead riffs. This is hard to do, and the most impressive thing is that he seems to do it all from his heart.

I suppose my love/hate thing with the guitar is based on the fact that I have always been challenged by strength and patience. If I am going to play the guitar well, you are going to see a very vulnerable side of me, and will I be able to summon up the courage to do that? Can I get honest enough to show you every experience I have ever had through the vessel of my music? It is hard to be patient when you want something so bad, and it is difficult to be strong enough to be ok with that. Strength and patience go hand in hand. You cannot really have one without the other.

One of the few benefits of dealing with loss is that I feel music more intensely than before. When I play the guitar lately, I can sit for hours fingerpicking and trying to emulate the lessons I am learning from Lindsey Buckingham. When I finish, my left hand is sore with deep valleys in the tips of my fingers from pressing so hard, and the muscles in my arms are becoming so toned that friends are asking me if I have been working out.

I have always been told I am strong. Maybe I am. I can take a lot of pain and put up with a lot of bullsh&* before saying enough is enough. I can play the guitar for at least 2 hours straight before my arms and fingers cry out for me to stop and take a break, and I can stand up to people who talk down to me. But life is difficult and it is hard to be patient and strong all the time. Just like my muscles after a marathon practice session, I have moments in my life where I want to quit because it is so hard to be strong. Those are the moments when I have to remember to pause, pick up the guitar, and play. For just 2 hours, all of the stress in my life goes away, and I become just a little more patient.

Silencio!

2011-07-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

If I had a dollar for every time a student rushed through a rest, I would be able to afford a small island. For some reason, beginning music students totally discount the value of silence. They want to rush through every piece and skip the rests. As soon as they learn "Fur Elise" they are in a hurry to play it as fast as possible, usually making 15 different mistakes before the end of the 8th measure. This is beyond annoying, but I have learned how to take it. I usually take a deep breath and say in my most manufactured calm voice "You know... slow is actually harder to play than fast." They don't believe me at first, but they understand soon enough. Kids always think fast and non-stop is more impressive, but they are wrong. Slow is harder. Especially in our culture! We are all speed addicts in many ways.

One time I answered an ad on craigslist to sing backup for a piano player and when we met, she spent the first 45 minutes chatting about her life. I tried, but I could not get her to focus on the original reason for our meeting. Today, a student kept asking me questions before I was done answering the question she previously asked. At some point I had to stop and say, "I need you to listen for a few minutes while I talk. Then you can ask questions." The problem was that she was so consumed with the desire to talk that she was not really absorbing the lesson, and it was a very difficult lesson filled with completely new concepts.

I spoke last week about Words, and how much I am paying attention to the sounds of certain words, and the tone of my voice. I am also paying attention to silence. In Jazz, which I am also exploring at the moment, I have noticed that the rests are almost MORE important than the notes! The best Jazz musicians know when to relax and say the most in the least amount of notes. I have been teaching myself Jazz Piano with videos on YouTube, and let me tell you, the internet is ripe with show-off Jazz piano teachers trying to teach beginners how to play "simple" Jazz concepts. Let me just say that if you are a real beginner to piano, and you go to these websites and feel a strong desire to give up: the problem is the musicians on these sites!! I have been playing piano for 15 years, and I have a hard time keeping up with them. Most of these Jazz musicians just want to show off and play as many notes as possible, as fast as possible. I am not impressed. What impresses me is a musician who can make an interesting sound in just a few notes, have the courage to pause a bit, and then jump back in for more. Silence is important in music. The rests are part of the composition, too. The Jazz musician who stands out for me on this topic is Thelonius Monk. I have been watching his performances on YouTube, and I notice that he is totally in the moment when he plays. He doesn't seem to care if you are watching or not. He takes a pause when he wants to, and the result is beautiful.

In the following video, Monk is playing solo, but notice how many times he takes a pause. The song just would not be as impressive without those rests. When I see the musicians on these Jazz YouTube lessons, I see a constant stream of notes... not good.

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Jazz is all about feeling. I should say that all music is about feeling. It is. Sometimes you don't notice it. Sometimes a musician is more interested in showing you how technical they can be, but I remember what I knew as a child: that music is about feeling, and sometimes silence is the best way to express our feelings. We don't have to take it to an extreme, like in John Cage's "4'33" where the orchestra basically sits on stage in silence for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Yes I am serious.

Personally, I think this is ridiculous. The long running cheers and the overwhelming praise of the hosts are even more ridiculous. How impressive that you could sit still and silent for four WHOLE minutes. Please... Can't we just learn how to be still and patient on a regular basis?

I'm not saying we have to go as far as Cage. I'm just saying that maybe in our everyday lives, and in music, we can learn to appreciate silence. Silence allows us an opportunity to absorb the feelings inside ourselves, the ambient noises that exist in the world, the words that come out of other's mouths, the feelings that are really being shown from others around us. Instead of being so concerned about what WE have to say, we can learn to listen better. We can learn to pause and appreciate silence.

Challenges

2011-07-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

As far as teaching goes, summer time is always more laid back than the rest of the year. I always use the time to learn something new, something to challenge myself musically. Over the past few summers, I have committed the hot days to learning Bluegrass Banjo, Irish style Mandolin, Eastern Sound Healing and Chanting, and even Belly Dancing. This summer I have chosen to work on something that scares me, something I have avoided for 4 summers now: Jazz Piano. I have to take a deep breath in after writing that, because now that I have told you, I have to commit to it.

I grew up around a lot of Jazz musicians. I remember the Jazz kids in school were such nerds, and I mean that in the most endearing way possible. They were so smart at music, and they loved showing it off to everyone. Every time I tried to have a conversation with one, I would get lost within the first minute. They spoke so fast, and it seemed like they were striving toward degrees in Math instead of Music. The Jazz kids always seemed to be 10 steps ahead of me as far as Music Theory knowledge goes. I couldn't keep up. But I have always loved improvising, and I admit, there was a big part of me that felt jealous of these musical brainiacs. When each summer starts and I begin pondering what my new challenge will be, Jazz Piano is always the first thing that comes up. This idea is always followed by a frantic mental search of all the other musical concepts I long to learn. Even Fiddling sounds less intimidating to me. (It's not.)

So today, I pulled out the old Jazz Standard Fake Book, downloaded a few podcasts, and got to work. I have to give myself credit. I did all right. I'm certainly not ready to be humiliated in front of a group of real Jazz musicians, but I thought I did a good job swinging the melody in my right hand, and keeping the left hand steady with the rhythm. After an hour of playing "Cheek to Cheek," I had a smile on my face and more energy than I usually have. My desire to learn Jazz was confirmed.

There is something magical about Jazz. I listen to Jazz more than any other style of music because I find it impossible to be sad when Jazz in on. I have been slowly reading a book by the famous trumpet virtuoso and talented music educator, Wynton Marsalis, titled, "Moving to Higher Ground: How Jazz Can Change Your Life." Marsalis makes a great argument about how playing Jazz in groups can be so beneficial for teaching communication, conflict resolution, quick thinking, discipline, and focus. Sometimes when I read his thoughts, I think I am reading my own on this blog! The way I feel about music in general, Marsalis feels specifically about Jazz. And he is right. Jazz is an art form that is totally focused on Improvisation, and Improvisation is usually how I make my argument that music is important for teaching communication, conflict resolution, focus, etcetera, etcetera. The biggest difference between the improvisation I do and what Jazz musicians do has everything to do with harmony. Harmony is all about the way you piece notes together, also called voicing. Jazz Voicings are different from other styles of music. The music theory behind Jazz is like a whole other language. To me, if music is considered to be a language, Jazz is like a specific dialect of that greater language. It has it's own traditions, history, grammer, forms, rhythms, and man do they talk fast!!! You have to be really prepared in order to keep up.

So for some reason, this is the summer I have chosen to really push myself. Previous summers have given me the tools to play Banjo and Mandolin in a country band, which is super fun. I wonder if I will do well enough to play with real Jazz musicians? As long as I stay committed to practice, I will. That is all there is to it. When it comes to challenges, it's all about following through to the end. Staying committed to overcoming challenges.

All right... enough messing around on this blog... I should get practicing.

Words

2011-06-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am thinking a lot about words. My singing coach has me focusing on my words and the feeling I put behind them. I find I am constantly aware of the feeling in my vocal chords and the sound of certain words. Certain words carry varying degrees of emotion, and you can feel them when someone is speaking to you. Last night, he had me sit at the piano and play the same chords over and over again until I really felt like I was ready to sing. I was not allowed to sing the words until I felt them in my core, complete with images and memories to accompany them. Pretty powerful. This exercise made a huge difference, and I sounded completely different by the end. I was singing Leonard Cohen songs. To me, he is the God of good lyric writing. No one does it better than Leonard. I was singing the song, "In My Secret Life." At first listen, this song sounds like it will be about an affair, but the more I sing it, the more I realize it is really about this inner world we all possess and often never express. Sometimes it is hard to get the words out. It is so difficult to get our feelings out in words that will not offend. It seems like every time I read the news, someone is apologizing for their words. Freedom of speech does not really exist in this country. Sure, you will not be jailed for your speech, but you may lose your friends, your career, your family, your whole livelihood. Sounds like a slightly different kind of jail.

I believe I started singing because I was afraid to speak. When I was a kid, my family moved to a small Southern town in North Florida from Connecticut. I remember being excited about moving to Florida, but I was surprised and saddened when the kids at school made fun of my voice. I suppose it is only natural to develop a Yankee accent when you begin talking in New England, but in the South, you do not want to sound like a Yankee! This wasn't one of those super traumatic experiences that requires years of therapy to release, but still, it made a deep impact. I was very proud to be from Connecticut, but I do remember being ashamed of my voice. I remember it wasn't just the accent that offended people. The timbre of my voice, the volume, the vocabulary, the absence of "m'am" and "sir" in my vocabulary... I also talked a lot. I was so excited about life, so I was very chatty. Southern girls tend to be a little quieter, a little more calm and tame. I also said "You Guys" instead of "Y'all" and when an adult called for me, I said "Yeah?" instead of "M'am?" I still remember the look of shock on my teacher's face when she heard that.

I remember thinking that one day my voice would blend in better. Surely I developed a hint of a Southern accent by the time I was 18, but even then I remember a guy in college asking me where I was from because I (say it with a southern accent:) "don't talk like you're from here." By then I developed a pretty good sense of humor about it. I learned how to laugh and admit, "Yeah I know... I moved here when I was 5, but I'm technically from up North."

In singing practice, you must become so sensitive to the sounds coming out of your mouth, and the feelings behind them. It is a completely different kind of mindfulness practice separate from piano playing. I have had moments in my life when I am so rushed that I don't give a single thought to the tone of my voice in a conversation. My words have been misinterpreted as "rude" simply because I was not aware of the tone as they were coming out. Singing practice has made me more aware of my voice in all areas of life, but right now I am focusing harder than ever on what my voice sounds like on a regular basis. Try saying the word "love" with different emotions backing it up. Say "love" with anger, calm, melancholy, regret, irritation, impatience, kindness. The feeling is going to give it a different meaning each time.

I began singing because I needed a safe way to use my voice. Being a bit of an oddball in school made me shut down and keep my thoughts to myself. When I began interpreting words through singing, I would feel every single line and something about the feeling resonated with audiences. As I became a teenager, I began choosing songs with a little more edge, and I noticed I could get away with expressing thoughts in song that I could not get away with through speaking. For some reason, I could sing the thoughts in my head in a way that resonated with others. My speaking voice though.... I don't really know. Somehow the sound, the accent, the volume... it brought up negative feelings in people. A prejudice of some kind. That's why I believe so strongly in the power of music. Music can transcend all negative thoughts about others, and make you realize that we are all human beings possessing all of the same emotions. Music can transform a word into a pure emotion, an emotion we can all relate to.

My favorite verse in the song "In My Secret Life" goes: "I smile when I'm angry, I cheat and I lie. I do what I have to do to get by. But I know what is wrong, and I know what is right. And I'd die for the truth in my secret life."

I like this verse in particular, because I feel like we all lead double lives. We live the life that we show the world, and we live the life inside ourselves, where only we get to know how we really feel. For the most part, we are dishonest with our words. We lie to avoid hurting other's feelings, and sometimes lying means sacrificing our own integrity or happiness in order to make others more comfortable. Good thing we have music to bring us all together again. Mr. Cohen understands this. His words always remind me of the importance of music and the importance of expressing emotion through song.

Staying Focused

2011-06-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Just a Few Things to Think About

I noticed some of my students with focus "issues" spacing out during our improvisations. During! Turns out, they had all of the keys memorized and figured they could just play any key while looking around the room daydreaming about something else. No, no, no. That is not how music practice works!

When you play an instrument, your attention must be on the song at hand, the present moment, and even a little teeny tiny bit into the future! There is no room for daydreaming. So, I pulled out some paper with each space cadet and had them help me make a list of every detail one must focus on while playing the piano. One student came up with 22 items! During every single note, and every single rest, there are many details your brain has to process. The tempo (speed), the dynamics (volume), the curve of your fingers, is your back straight? What comes up next? What kind of mood should I be playing? How many beats should I be counting per measure? Are your eyes on the right note? How many beats does that rest get??

And the list goes on and on. The brain must process all of this information very quickly, during each and every single note. Every note is important. I believe this is why music practice is such a good brain work-out. Probably also why it is a stress reliever. When you are freaking out about something, try putting your focus on playing an instrument or singing a song. It will give your brain something else to focus on besides the problem at hand. With music, my brain has gotten used to focusing. After many years of practice, my brain knows that as soon as I sit at the piano it is time to focus. No matter what chaos is going on in my life, I can always count on this habit. It really comes down to staying present. Not in the past, not so far into the future. Just one note at a time, one beat at a time.

Letting Go & Moving On

2011-06-06T09:58:00.001-07:00

::::::Dearest Blog Readers::::::

Can you forgive me for my absence?? It has been so long since I posted! Over the past two weeks, I have had many blog ideas come into my mind, but nothing has really stuck. I personally do not like blogs that contain filler, so I choose to only write about a topic that I really feel very strong about. I kept wondering when the right topic would enter my mind... on my long runs, during lessons, jamming with friends, writing songs... it's been busy to say the least! I have missed corresponding with blog readers and sharing my journey with the world. Luckily, the new blog topic came to me yesterday during two different situations. The topic is Letting Go & MOVING ON.

By "Moving On," I do mean in life, but also in music. Dedicated readers know that I am going through a huge transition in my life & learning how to adjust to a totally new lifestyle. As always, the parallels between music and life's challenges are becoming more and more obvious to me. Yesterday, while jamming with my friend Racheal's band, we noticed after each take that we all independently pointed out our mistakes. David, the drummer, said, "Well, that's what rehearsal is for." In other words: get over it. Ha! How simple but necessary to remember. We cannot get stuck in our musical mistakes, especially when we are practicing!

Music and life provide many moments where we can choose to stay stuck in the sadness, dissapointment, fear, worry, regret or we can move on. In Pema Chodron's book "Taking the Leap" she describes a study that finds that the average amount of time we are truly experiencing an emotion is only one and a half minutes. The rest of the time we spend worrying is a result of repeating a story in our heads, basically trying to stay stuck in that awful feeling. At some point, we have to make a choice if we will stay stuck in the negativity, or if we can move on. Moving on isn't easy, I know. Especially when your heart is beating really fast, and your face is getting red with anger. There is a big temptation to stay in that feeling, but what good will it really do? I had a challenging moment like this yesterday.

At the retirement home where I host my recitals, I was gathering my students in the TV room like I always do. I turned the TV off and a very crabby old man yelled at me. The ironic thing is I was about to do a calm-down breathing session with the kids to help them relieve their nervousness. I calmly told the man I would turn it on after 5 minutes of talking with my students. He didn't want to hear it. He kept yelling at me. I was completely shocked. I couldn't believe someone would yell at a teacher right in front of her students. That made me angry, but I kept thinking about the example I was being forced to set right then and there. When I realized that this man really wanted to keep yelling at me, I decided to ignore him and I instructed all of the students to turn their attention to me and I made eye contact with as many of them as I could as we silently waited for him to stop yelling. It was the worst timing ever. The kids were already freaked out about performing and now this man was yelling at their teacher! They had looks of worry on their faces and that made me angry at this man. I was not feeling compassion for him in that moment. Not at all. The kids were there to do a service! I couldn't believe it.

I was very upset, but I had to gain control as fast as possible because I did not want them to start a show feeling upset and scared. I asked all of them to take 5 deep breathes with me. By the time we finished, one of the dads had an employee come to quiet the man down. I tried to stress that we were all there because we love music and we want to share, but I could tell they were all discouraged. It was hard, because so was I, and whatever I feel, they feel. I didn't know what to do, so I had them all go into the living room where we perform and sit in their designated area. I asked a friend if he had any suggestions for getting them to shake what had just happened. He told me to keep encouraging them. I realized that I had to let it go. Right there. I had to just drop the shock from my system and move on as fast as possible. So I went over to them and looked at them all and said in my most relaxed and joking voice.... "Man that was awkward!" They laughed and I felt relieved. I told them how much they mean to me and that all week long I had looked forward to this recital because I am so proud of them.

Racheal opened up the show with a beautiful song she wrote. This was the best way to transition into the show. It ended up being out best recital yet. Everyone seemed to feel good afterwards, and I was so, so, so proud of them.

Yesterday taught me to let things go as fast as possible. If you don't they will continue to influence the rest of your experiences, and who wants that? In music, the show MUST go on, so we simply have to shake things off, like crabby old dudes bullying a teacher. We can't carry it with us if we want to perform well, whether that performance is on stage or in life. Here's to letting things go, and moving on!

At My New Place

Improvising

2011-05-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

Every time I start a piano lesson with a student, we make up a song. I start by playing some chords, and my student makes up a melody on the high keys. We also play a lot of duets. Playing music together teaches cooperation as well as fine tuning rhythm skills, creativity, and intuition. It is always my favorite part of the lesson.

All of my social interaction is surrounded by music these days. I spend most of my free time with musician friends, my songwriting partner, and my concert going companions. Collaborating with friends is becoming my favorite way to connect. Last week, a friend's original country song inspired me to dust off my banjo to see what I could do. It was so much fun! I get a high off of playing music with others. It feels magical. You start with silence, one person begins to play, and the musician who is following has to use her intuition to see what she can add. I use the word intuition quite seriously. When you improvise music, you have to become a little psychic. You are always just a mili-second into the future, predicting what will come next, but there are also scientific aspects to it. There are formulas in music. Certain chord progressions happen over and over again, and once you play for a while, your ear becomes used to knowing what may come next. I find improvising with others to be a good workout for my brain. Like meditation, you must stay completely focused on each moment as it goes by. If you don't, you will either make a mistake or just play something totally boring, and I would rather hear a mistake than something boring. Improvisation teaches you how to work creatively with others.

Do you ever find yourself in a social setting where someone says something that makes you uncomfortable? What happens? It depends on many factors: the other personalities in the room, the physical environment, the conditions that brought you together, how much sleep everyone had the night before...

I had a conversation the other day with a friend who said something that stuck with me. In terms of relationships, he said that most people do not act but react. We react to the way others treat us. We react to their tone of voice, their words, and their body language. If someone is nice to us, we are nice to them. If someone is a jerk, we are a jerk back. In music practice, if someone begins a song in a sad minor key, we all begin to feel the same mood as the leader and we all work to create an environment based on what we feel from each other. I have been an audience member at shows where a band member makes a mistake, and the other band members react with anger, as if the imperfection of this one person is reflecting their own musical skills. When I improvise with students and they hit a bad note, my first instinct is to just keep playing. There is no need to point it out, because chances are that the player already feels a little uncomfortable with realizing they are not perfect. If someone misses a beat, it may just be an opportunity to change the rhythm and merge into a totally different type of song. Improvisation is all about staying present and going with the flow.

When someone makes an inappropriate statement or treats me in a questionable manner, I have found that it's important to check in with myself and see what I can do to control the situation, just like music practice. If you are in a jam session, and someone messes up, getting angry will not save the song. You can save the song by improvising and using your own musical skills to take the song somewhere else, possibly somewhere completely unexpected. Isn't this true in life? You are late to an appointment because of a traffic jam. Frustrating, but what can you do? You can become all worked up, red faced with raised blood pressure, or you can just accept your fate and enjoy the song on the radio. You can improvise with what you actually have control over in that present moment.

Mistakes (Don't Look Back)

2011-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

When I first began my regular, formal piano lessons, I was a type-A, perfectionist-prone teenager. This is probably what made me learn so quickly, but it was not an easy journey. Every mistake made me want to give up. I cringed at every wrong note and every missed beat made me angry that I did not take dance lessons as a child. It took me so long to get both of my hands to play the piano at the same time, and the biggest mistake I made was thinking that there was something wrong with that.

The thing about making mistakes in music practice is you eventually learn to accept that you are not perfect. Nobody plays perfectly the instant they start. Even the whole Mozart prodigy thing is exaggerated. The truth is even Mozart worked his little Austrian bum off. Musicians have to constantly practice, make mistakes, and practice some more. Yesterday, one of my adorable students, Ben, said the most optimistic statement about mistakes. He told me he likes mistakes because it means he gets to start the song over again, and when he finally gets it right, he "gets to feel good." I loved that! Most students get really annoyed with their inabilities, but Ben really seems to understand that it's all about the process.

Isn't this true in every area of life? How many mistakes did you make today? I made a few today, but yesterday... don't get me started. SO many! Made an insensitive remark, forgot about a new lesson time with a student, sang some bad notes... Yesterday was rough. Today, I got up and decided to start over, and it has been a good one so far.

I am still prone to perfectionism, and I do have a tendency to beat myself up over mistakes, especially in music. In every area of my life, mistakes provide an opportunity to learn. In music, a mistake teaches me that I have to focus harder on certain chords or finger positions, use stronger breath control when I sing, or simply practice more. In life, a mistake reminds me that I am not perfect and I should never get too cocky. Every day is an opportunity to learn.

In my present life, I have had to think hard about decisions I have made in the past. Some decisions I made could be seen as mistakes, but I have decided to look at them differently. The word "mistake" seems to imply regret, and I do not regret anything. Every choice has provided an opportunity to evolve and become smarter and more aware of who I am and what I want out of life.

There are many choices I have often looked back at and wondered, was that a mistake? Was it a mistake to stay in my hometown for college? To choose L.A. over NYC? To buy a house? To get married? To get divorced? No. The answer to any question like that should always be a confident "no." Every experience has value. Every amazing experience and every traumatic experience has taught me something important. Dwelling on the past get's me nowhere. It is tempting to regret choices and so called "mistakes," but what is a mistake? It is just a stumbling point, a stepping stone, a learning experience. I will not let difficult moments hold me back from focusing on my goals. I plan on staying present, focusing on my dreams, and never looking back.

Jealousy

2011-04-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

Jealousy sucks. Whether it's coming from you or someone else. Jealousy is one of the worst human experiences we have to deal with. If you are feeling jealous, you have to figure out why, and do something productive about it, or if you are like most people in this world, you act out in nasty behaviors in order to punish the person you are jealous of. Most of us are guilty of doing the latter. But what if someone is jealous of you? The other day, one of my most talented students was acting very shy about performing in the school talent show. Now, this is a kid who can play 3 instruments well, sing, dance, and basically excel at everything. On top of that, he is so sweet, so of course he is adored by all of his teachers, including me! He performs at the retirement home with me, and when he starts to play, everyone runs in the room to see who is making such amazing music! So when he said he didn't want to perform, I knew something was up. Turns out, there is a bully at school who is jealous of his talents. Ah. Ok. That made sense to me.

My first reaction to this was irritation and anger. Not at my student. At the bully. At the jealousy. What can my student do? Nothing, really. You cannot control someone else's jealous feelings. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and that is an internal problem. We had a very long discussion about how important it is to stay true to yourself and never let anyone else's insecurities stop you from doing what you love. By the end, he said he would think about performing. I'll take it. Much better than the beginning of the conversation.

It really made me think about jealousy in my own life. I am so jealous of the singer Adele right now. She is so amazing! The way she sings so freely. I want to be like that. But I try to remember what my best friend told me the other day... that there is room in the world for everyone, and that jealousy only holds me back. I think about how it feels to be jealous whenever I sense jealousy coming from others.

When I was performing a lot of shows in the North Florida music scene, I remember feeling like there was an unspoken competition between the (very few) female musicians. When I was there, I could count on one hand how many local female singer-songwriters were opening for touring bands. At the time, I was taking a lot of Women's Studies classes in college, participating in Take Back the Night rallies, going to Lilith Fair, and basically being a very loud cheerleader for women in music, so the thought of other female musicians being jealous of me bothered me a lot. If they could have seen inside my mind, they would have known that I was only excited to see more women rising up to represent music. But, like I said before, you cannot control how other people feel.

If you want to be a musician, or any kind of artist, and you begin to excel, you are going to have to experience jealousy from others. This is a fact. How will you deal with it? Will you let them succeed in destroying your dream in order to make them more comfortable? Or will you stay true to who you are and what you are meant to do in this lifetime? Will you continue to keep them in your life even after experiencing their jealous feelings over and over again? To me, letting jealousy get in your way and letting jealous people stay in your life is a form of self-sabotage. I learned how to let jealous people out of my life long, long ago. This is a difficult life, and you need to be surrounded by people who support you and lift you up.

Shenpa

2011-04-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, an interesting thing happened to me. I had one of those music-filled days that I like to blog about, but my mood (as you may have noticed ;) was a bit down. I woke up having one of those blue days, but I was ready to just roll with it. I have been reading a book by my favorite Buddhist author, Pema Chodron called "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves From Old Habits and Fears."

Pema Chodron talks a lot about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of shenpa. Shenpa is that feeling of being very uncomfortable and having an immediate desire to get out of it as fast as humanly possible. Her teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, gives a great metaphor to the first part of that definition. He says that we humans are like children with poison ivy. The itch is very uncomfortable, and the first thing we want to do is scratch, but everyone knows that scratching makes it worse, and will actually cause the discomfort to spread. Shenpa is the experience of feeling the itch and really, really, really wanting to scratch it.

When shenpa is happening, our first instinct is to do something to relieve the discomfort. If we are feeling sad, we may turn on a trashy reality show to take our minds off of the pain, or if someone says something rude to us, our first instinct may be to say something mean back. The problem with giving into shenpa, is that it has consequences. It only relieves our suffering for a short moment, and then we have to live with the guilt of insulting that mean person who was probably just having a really crappy day. In terms of watching a reality show to relieve the suffering, if you are like me, you have to shower or go for a run or something like that to get that gross feeling out of you. Ughhh. We know better, and in moments of shenpa, it is hard to remember that.

The Buddhist response to shenpa is to sit with it. Instead of getting hooked by the feeling and reacting in whatever our conditioned instincts tell us to do, we sit with it and observe. Yesterday was a shenpa-filled day! Jesus, I thought shenpa would never end!

Despite my dramatic introduction, it was actually a wonderful morning. I met 4 students and their wonderful families at the Grammy Museum in Downtown Los Angeles and we saw the John Lennon exhibit. It was so much fun to explore this amazing museum with my students and their parents. They had so much fun playing with the interactive exhibits about music genres and sub genres.

I learned so much myself. There are literally hundreds of genres out there that most of us never learn about. It's really quite amazing. There was an entire wall dedicated to the history of social change music that made my little heart go pitter-patter. Being in such a sensitive state right now, my eyes even teared up a bit. If you have not been to the Grammy Museum, I cannot recommend it enough. Anyone who loves music will love this place. It is the only museum I know of that honors and documents 20th and 21st century music from the evolution of sound recording to the evolution of popular music.

The shenpa moments came up in bursts, which is normal when you are going through big changes. Actually, they are a normal part of everyday, period. As I was watching the amazing video footage of John Lennon at the museum, I felt my heart get very heavy and filled with sadness at the fact that someone took this visionary away from us in such a cruel way. Enter shenpa challenge #1. I wanted to cry and mourn the death of John Lennon and feel angry at the man who shot him. I felt so sad for Yoko Ono, because no matter which side you take on how you feel about her, you can see that she loved him so much. My heart always goes out to her, because when I see footage of the two of them, I feel like I have never seen two people so in love with each other, and how awful to have that taken away from you. With Pema Chodron's teachings fresh in my mind, I decided to practice by feeling every ounce of sadness and then making a conscious decision to let it go and move on. Success.

Shenpa Challenge #2 came during the afternoon when I went home to practice for my evening performance. I kept feeling sad and unmotivated. I had moments where I just wanted to watch TV and not do anything I set out to do. I remembered to sit and observe. I reminded myself that music is a healing process and that if I just get myself to the piano and make myself play something, I will feel better, so I did. And I did feel better. And prepared! ;) Success!

Shenpa Challenge #3 came when I arrived at 7:00 to the gig I was scheduled for. It was a Japan Benefit concert in Hollywood with 40 performers on the list! FORTY PERFORMERS! That is freakin' insane! Of course, the event started 45 minutes late, and each performer was to play one song only and we went in alphabetical order. I almost called my mom to thank her for naming me Michelle and not Vivian, which had been the original plan. I did not go on until almost 10:00. When I saw the roster and did the math on my estimated performance time, I felt a strong desire to make up an excuse and get out of there, but being committed to conquering this shenpa thang, I decided to stay and sit with it. I let myself really listen to the performers I vibed with (and man, there were a lot of good ones!) and I let myself walk around outside and enjoy the moments to myself when I wasn't so into the performances. At first I thought, I committed to this, so I will honor my commitment, and then I can leave. But as the evening went on, and I continued to check in with myself, I noticed I was really having a good time. The musicians were fantastic, really inspiring. There was free food and wine, and the performers who were hanging out outside were a blast to talk to. I had a chance to bond with the guys in the new band I am singing back-up for, and I can't remember a time when I laughed so much. My performance was very well received and I felt a lot of love and appreciation. Then, after every thing was over, 7 musicians and I stayed up until 2 am (when we had to be kicked out ;) and had an impromptu jam session/sing-a-long. We sang Fire and Rain, Imagine, Hallelujah, Let It Be, Patience. What a blast!

It's funny how I preach so much about the power of music and how healing it is, but I guess when you do something for a living, it is easy to take it for granted. The experience last night was worth waiting for. It was so healing to me. Sitting with the challenging shenpa moments throughout the day were just place holders for an amazing set of musical moments at the end.

When sitting with Shenpa, I am realizing that it's ok to feel a little pain. It's ok to be sad and angry at times. Just remember to sit and not react is the secret. The moment will pass, and a beautiful, exciting moment will eventually come. We just have to be patient.

Simplicity/Love

2011-04-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that acoustic music is back. It is popular again. The last time this happened was in the 70's, after the war was over. In the 90's we flirted with it when MTV Unplugged debuted, but it didn't stick. I have noticed that in times of chaos, audiences need calm music to relax their anxious hearts.

I moved into my friend's 300 sq. ft. pool house last week, and I have finally gotten everything settled in. Miles Davis and Chopin Preludes are constantly streaming through my speakers as I work to make this my new home. The funny thing is, despite the tight quarters, I feel like I can breathe again. Having only one room to care for is so liberating. When I wake up, the first thing I see is my piano, and I remember why I was put on this earth. My goal is to live a simple life for as long as I can keep it up. I feel I have a responsibility to the Earth to waste as little as possible, and I owe it to my mind to keep things easy. I have chosen to not own a microwave and I am only buying enough food to keep me fed for a few days at a time. I don't want to waste anything. I am making my own bath products again, and I am washing my clothes by hand. My sewing machine is also waiting patiently for me to get really grounded again. I find simplicity inspiring.

As I began the songwriting process this week, I tried to apply my philosophy of simplicity. I am one of those songwriters who beats myself up over every cheesy lyric choice, every lame rhyme, and every melody not worthy of being on the radio. My producer friend has given me the very interesting assignment of writing love songs. It figures that as I am going through a divorce that I would be asked to begin writing songs about the very topic I am struggling with now. I suppose this is the perfect time to begin contemplating the merit of relationships through song. Like many who have been burned, I cannot help but feel like marriage is such a joke. Just for myself of course... it is a common side effect for those going through breakups. I know many lovely people in beautiful marriages, but I also know so many who are chronically unhappy in their legal courtships.

I do believe in love. And I feel like love is really the answer to all of our problems. It's a very simple solution, but why is it so hard to achieve? My guess is that we are all stuck in our own inner prisons, seeing the world through our own messy life experiences. As people get older, I notice their ability to love is more and more challenged.

As my intention to live a simple life gets stronger, so will my desire to love unconditionally everyone I meet. I have found the idea of love to be the most powerful tool in every single conflict. When I sit for hours at the piano and come up with nothing, I remember to love myself. Beating myself up makes me want to quit, so the simple solution is love.

In my East L.A. neighborhood, it is very diverse. I like it. I have always lived in neighborhoods where artists meet working class families. There are young latin guys who have a tough and angry look on their faces as they hang around the neighborhood, appearing bored and annoyed with life. They walk with that "don't F%$# with me" sway, tight jaws, and hardened eyes. When a dear West L.A. friend asked me if I ever feel nervous around them, I didn't even hesitate when I said no. I look these boys straight in the eye and give them my most genuine smile and say hello. They say hello back. I can tell that I surprise them, and it gives me a giddy feeling to know that I am fighting the conditioned instinct to feel afraid. Why should I be afraid? We are all humans who all desire the same kind of love and respect from others. Respect and love are the only answers to any concern. All is well when you show love.

Today is day 8 of my experiment with simplicity. My first goal is to finish two love songs I started 2 days ago. I'm fighting the urge to write tricky and poetic metaphors instead of simple phrases that get the important messages across. Love songs are very popular for a good reason. It is something we all want every moment of every day, even if we are too afraid to admit it.

Patience

2011-04-14T01:53:00.000-07:00

Music is a fantastic way to develop patience. I remember being a hyper 14 year old who was just dying to star in a Broadway musical as fast as possible. I practiced singing "Memory" from "Cats" over and over again and it broke my heart that I couldn't sing it perfectly every single time. There were always at least 5 bad notes or 10 missed beats. Always. I remember my sister used to tell her friends it was painful to hear me practice. She was right. No one wants to hear off-key singing.

When I started teaching myself the guitar during my 16th summer, I thought I would never get it. In the humid Florida heat, with a broken air conditioner and sweat pouring down my neck and arms, I struggled to get through a simple D7 chord. My fingers felt like they were pressing against shredded pieces of metal. I spent at least one hour trying to switch effortlessly from Easy G to D7, and I probably only accomplished that 3 times.

I can understand why students quit. The frustration of being imperfect is enough to make you want to punch a wall. I only continued because I wanted it so bad. I kept envisioning myself onstage, with a guitar, singing songs of my own. I just had to be patient.

Lately I am trying to teach my students about patience. Probably because right now now I need it in my own life. Yesterday I was listening to the "Real Jazz" station on Sirius satellite radio, and there was a soundbite of a musician who said "Improvisation is important to learn in music, because it is important to learn in life." This is true for so many elements of music. Patience is like that.

Kids are so naturally impatient. When most of my students make a mistake, they give a frustrated sigh, hunch their shoulders, and express a kid-friendly expletive. Yesterday, one very frustrated boy shouted "Dangit!" each time he missed a note.

I realized only recently that I need to teach patience for 2 important reasons: I want students (and myself) to become better musicians and individuals. Musical practice is all about creating and breaking habits and patterns. We play one scale over and over again perfecting our fingers, the rhythm, dynamics (volume), tempo (speed). If we make a mistake, we have two choices in how we handle it: we can either freak out or stay calm. We create habits of frustration if we choice the former.

Last night I suggested to Dangit! Boy that instead of getting so frustrated each time he makes a mistake, I would like him to try pausing, breathing in, and breathing out. Then start over. It took almost fifteen mistakes before he finally started to remember the new assignment. It takes practice to change a habit, and it takes practice to develop patience.

My hope is that some of this patience practice will seep out of the children's piano lessons and into the rest of their lives. Imagine what checkout lines and rush hour traffic would feel like if we could all develop a little more patience.

Reborn in Long Beach

2011-04-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

IBMC, Where Kusala & I meet up to carpool each Sunday

After a long 3 month hiatus, I journeyed back to Long Beach, CA to begin singing for the lovely Vietnamese Buddhist children with Kusala. After traveling, holiday breaks, and dealing with my own personal stuff, it felt like a second chapter in my personal world of peace singing was about to begin. To be honest, I was still feeling a bit run down. I woke up with the feeling of being homesick... the worst part was that I technically don't have a home right now. In the car, Kusala asked me if I wanted to listen to some blues. That would be perfect, I thought.

At the temple, the children waited patiently outside under a canopy. They sat cross-legged, shoes removed, clothed in blue uniforms with adorable little lotus patches on the upper left side of their shirts, which reminded me of the badges I used to earn in Girl Scouts. I wanted to open with the song "Imagine."

Kusala & Company welcome me back to the temple.

A few months ago, when the Arizona shooting happened, Kusala and I were talking about how sad the world is and how we feel like it is time to stop playing safe. In that conversation, we both talked about needing to sing songs that express more deeply how serious it is that we all learn how to live in peace. "Imagine" is in my opinion the best peace anthem I have ever heard.

The kids listened quite reverently, and when one of the temple workers adjusted the volume, a shrilling wave of feedback noise made me suddenly stop the song. When I told the kids that I had almost finished the song anyway, and that I would start another one, they all moaned loudly in protest. It was cute. So I finished the song. It was the verse that goes "Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can? No need for greed or hunger. A brotherhood/sisterhood of man." A very Buddhist verse really.

After that, I sang "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to be Free." I like singing this song, because I feel like we all feel that way. We all just want to be free. And even though we who live in so-called free nations feel like we are technically free, we all seem to place these limits on ourselves or we feel our bosses or parents or teachers or spouses put limits on us, and sometimes it is difficult to feel truly free. I like singing this song to the Buddhist kids, because they learn meditation. In meditation, you can get yourself into a zone where you feel free, even for just one little moment. That one little moment is better than any drug or medicine, because it comes from within you. It teaches you that you have the ability to feel free.

The last song I sang was a song I wrote called "Courage to be Real." The chorus of the song goes like this: "I have courage to be real, I have courage to heal from the mean things that someone has said to me. I have courage to be great, and to never, ever hate anyone for being messy with their words." I wrote this song one year ago, and it was inspired by a student who was being picked on by kids at school. I was picked on in Middle School, so I thought that writing the song would be a good way for me to release any negativity that may still be lingering. The process of writing a song can be quite therapeutic, and sometimes I am surprised at how much trauma still sits inside my mind. The act of singing and writing is the best way I know for releasing such feelings.

I wanted to sing "Courage to be Real" yesterday, because I needed to hear it. As I make this journey from musician to full time, *living-breathing-sleeping-music* musician, I have to summon up courage. The act of performing, especially singing, is a vulnerable position to be in. People are cruel. They can say the meanest things to you about your voice or your words and not even realize how awful it feels. It feels awful, because when you sing, you are exposing a part of your soul. When someone decides to do this for a living, they are taking a very big risk. But, I feel like I have a strong heart and a level head and that I am ready for the challenge. Also, it is important to admit that this is just who I am, and I want to be real. Bottom line, I just want to be me.

Sunday's temple experience was a beautiful one for reflecting on Spring, re-birth, times of change, etc. In Buddhism, Reincarnation is a very important concept. This is a tough one for many westerners who do not grow up believing in such a concept. When I began studying Buddhism about 12 years ago, I remember thinking, well it's a good thing this is not a dogmatic-punishment style philosophy, because I will never believe in THAT. But over the years, I have heard the term "Reincarnation" or "Rebirth" to mean something much more important than what happens when you physically die. In Buddhism, it is taught that we are constantly being reborn, year after year, week after week, even hour after hour. Who I was yesterday is gone. Dead. She does not exist. I had a few experiences, and I choose what I want to carry on with me. But other parts of me and experiences are not here anymore. Only this present moment is here. The person I am in this moment is the one who is alive right now.

Kusala: Possibly the Coolest Monk EVER

After I sang, Kusala gave his talk and played his ukulele, and I wandered around the temple grounds. I sat in front of the sanctuary as dozens of children and adults chanted and rang gongs, and I thought about rebirth. As Spring approaches, I feel good about the new person I am becoming.

Modulation (Key Change)

2011-04-01T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well. I spilled wine on my laptop last week. Yes. I was not being mindful. Yes, I was stressed out. It was bound to happen. So tonight I am finally back in the blogosphere with my new Mac Book Pro. Oh man, watch out world. Do not be upset if I get too excited and begin posting dozens of how-to videos on YouTube. Steve Jobs just makes it so darn easy!!

So anyway, things in my world of transition are beginning to seem just fine. I'm in a state of Modulation. In music, the term "Modulation" means to change keys in the middle of the song. What is a key? Well.... let's look at the word itself. When you think back to school, the teacher always had that much coveted answer key in the back of her special text-book. The place where all of the answers were. In music, if you know what key you are in, you know that there is a series of 8 notes that are guaranteed to sound good together. This is also called a "scale." So on the piano, if you take all of the white keys starting on Middle C and you play all the way to the next highest C, you have just played the "Key of C Major."

Sometimes, songwriters (especially pop artists), will change keys in the middle of the song. This is called "Modulation." Modulation usually changes the whole feel of the song. It is also a clever way to repeat that chorus just one more freakin' time without making the audience go "Again? Really?"

If you want a better understanding of what Modulation is, check out the sweet key change around 3:21 on Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" :

I am modulating from one key to another in my own little way. I'm moving out of my 3 bedroom house into a tiny 300 square feet pool house in my singer-songwriter friend's backyard. While my darling husband and I figure out how to peacefully part ways, I am staying in another friend's tiny guest house. Before you wonder if you should feel sorry about this dramatic change in my life, let me tell you why you should not.

Have you ever read anything by SARK? She is this adorable artist/writer based in San Francisco.

She wrote this awesome book called "Succulent Wild Woman" and I read it when I was just out of high school. She often talks about the time she found her "Magic Cottage" in San Francisco. It was a tiny little shed in someone's overgrown garden, and she was a broke artist who needed a home. She convinced this little old lady to let her move in, and that is where she made her masterpiece poster "How to be an Artist." That poster sent her on her way to fame. From there she became a best selling author and all around do-gooder and inspirational lady. I always thought, what a romantic story. So to me, my own modulation is flowing just as easily as a key change of G Major to D Major.

My new place has just enough room for my piano and my bed. The guitars will go on the wall, as well as my hundreds of books (which I will not give up.) It is about the size of a dorm room, which is kinda how I see it. I am committed to spending my life studying music and peace and figuring out what the heck is going on in this world and how I can be of some kind of help. To me, life should be simple. A musician's life (or any artist really) is not about having massive amounts of space to set up furniture. It is about having enough space to create and think and learn. I am very much looking forward to modulating into the simple life.

Patience Through Transition

2011-03-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

This past week was an interesting one for me. I'm going through many transitions, like so many people in the world right now. My music lessons are great for noticing metaphors, especially about transition. I honestly did not feel like "teaching" this week. I did not have the energy to think of something witty to say or something inventive to teach. Honestly, there were some moments when I just wanted to leave the room and cry. But when you are dealing with kids, it is so important to stay strong and composed and "in the moment." It is always about the kids. Always.

I just wanted to play music. So I did. Every single lesson basically became a jam session. A band practice, if you will. The kids like it. I was surprised, because, my intentions were really quite selfish. I swear, after every session, each student complained that it went by too fast. That made me happy. They seemed to really enjoy the "band practice" style of it all. One student, last night, got to take over some of her Dad's time slot because he had a meeting at work, so our session really was like a band practice. About 2 hours long, complete with a tea break in the middle! She had fun, and honestly, so did I. We talked about making a music video next week. That's what bands do.....

In music, one of the challenges is transitioning from one section to another. A student may individually master sections A and sections B of a song, but when it comes time to put the whole song together, frustration always reins. I understand this irritation. Like life, music is never easy. It is always challenging, and as soon as you think you are a master, it is time to re-evaluate how much you really think you know. Music will humble you.

Musical practice is very similar to meditation. It requires an intense amount of focus in order to really get it right. If your mind is somewhere else in that moment when you are transitioning from part A to part B, even if the audience thinks it sounds great, being aware and focused would have guaranteed a more perfect performance. So is life...

As I go through these big changes, trying to get settled into a new place (which I hate doing), I'm trying to just stay focused and aware. Music and meditation have brought me to a place where I can handle the stress of transitions. It is far from enjoyable, but then again, neither is forcing myself to plough through a difficult piano piece after making the same mistake 20 times. The truth is, if I just keep doing it, and maintain a calm awareness all (or just most) of the time, success is ALWAYS the result. Always.

In my daily jam sessions with the kids this week, I was reminded why I chose music as a career. Music is fun. Sometimes, teachers and other adults try to take the fun away and just turn it into work. I'm guilty of this, too. I was telling a mom the other day that sometimes I hear my classical teachers in the back of my head scolding me for not having better sight-readers as students. It's true that I attract a lot of students who have a very difficult time reading music. Most of my kids are artsy, right-brain learning types... terrible at Math, excellent at English.... Maybe because I always had a hard time with Math and Sight-Reading? I was always much better at improv and songwriting. The truth is that so many professional musicians don't know how to read music, and even though I agree it is an important skill to know, most of my students are amazing MUSICIANS, regardless of their reading skills. This is where I have to tell myself to be flexible and patient.

Changes and challenges are inevitable in life and also in musical practice. We cannot avoid pain and we cannot avoid tranisitions. But just like a great performance, we can handle the stress of it all with grace and calm focus. I have my moments where I snap at my dogs for walking too slow, and I have moments when I feel like I will be stuck in the sadness forever, but then I quickly remind myself that life is all about transition. Just like music. It never stays the same. There are times when I think, I am the worst musician ever. Who am I kidding? I think the trick is that you always have to be focused on the present moment, observing and breathing, learning from it and moving on to the next moment. Everything changes. Even the exciting moments. They all go away eventually. Why not just deal with it gracefully? I'm trying. I promise I am.

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The Blues

2011-03-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

It seems there is a lot of change happening in the world. Japan may have become a third world country overnight, revolutions are springing up everywhere, and even in my personal world, things are changing. I spoke with my friend Kusala, a Buddhist monk, this morning about the decision he and his community had to make about ending the life of their much beloved dog, Mitch. In Buddhism, there are only a few basic rules, and one of them is to not take life. The other main tennet in Buddhism is to not cause suffering. So what do you do when you have an old dog who cannot take in food anymore, and is suffering in his waking life? Which precept do you choose to disobey? I can't imagine being in that position. After what I imagine was a long series of discussions, the community decided to put Mitch down, to end his suffering.

I am going through a lot of personal changes too. My trip to Italy got me thinking about what I really want out of this life. It's a cliche to say that life is short, but it's true. Whenever tragedies happen in the world, I start to think deeply about what matters in life. Tragedies in the world also make me sad.

Kusala and I talked this morning about staying present during times of difficult change. In mindfulness meditation, you sit for 20 minutes (average) and you pay close attention to every feeling that comes up. In music, the same kind of awareness is needed in order to play a piece well. The reason people practice mindfulness meditation is so they will be prepared for the difficult times. I notice that as sad feelings come up for me, during my own time of change, what I have learned in meditation and music practice is to stay centered and simply observe, and most importantly, to not attach myself to the feelings. They always pass, and attachment is what causes more suffering to occur.

Kusala is an avid music lover. This morning we talked about how music like the Blues has a way of taking a sad emotion and literally changing the chemistry in our brains. It elevates our mood. I am listening to Jazz and Blues constantly these days. Kusala is doing the same, also playing his new Tenor guitar, which in my opinion, is an even better way to reap the benefits of mood-elevating music.

We also contemplated the actual birth of the blues. The Blues was created by African slaves and freed slaves. I can't think of any other group in American history that suffered more than they did. And to think that they came up with one of the most therapeutic music forms of all time is amazing. Kusala said that we should feel very grateful to them. I agree.

Isn't it amazing how suffering can sometimes bring up new ideas for creating joy and peace? Right now we are living during one of those times. A lot of change is happening. A lot of chaos and sadness is running throughout the world. Are you feeling it in your own life?

There is always opportunity in every difficult time. Chaos gives us a chance to think about what we really want out of life. Is another iPod really that important? Or would you rather spend your money taking all of your closest friends out to dinner to spend time with them? For me, I feel like music and friendship are the most important things. And also learning how to feel compassion for myself. Peace can only come when we feel love for ourselves, patience for others, and awareness of what makes us really happy.***after publishing, I realized that there has indeed been another group who has suffered greatly in our history: the American Indians. My mistake.

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The Universe Has a Soundtrack

2011-03-16T01:00:00.001-07:00

What Pi Sounds Like

2011-03-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Today is Pi Day. I love Math. Did you know that music is a mathematical science? It's true. Watch this video to see what I mean.

Los Angeles, I'm Yours

2011-03-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

After three plane rides, about 16 hours of travel time, one missed flight, and one short stay at a Comfort Inn in Atlanta, GA, I am finally home in Los Angeles. It is officially Spring here. The flowers in my yard are all blooming, it's sunny with clear skies and a perfect 68 degrees, and the scent of jasmine is filling the air. Ahhhhhh, Los Angeles. It's good to be back. I've spent the last two days catching up on sleep and figuring out how to fix my too-much-time-in-the-sky damaged hair.

It's so frizzy... I'm sure a box of light brown Natural Instincts hair color will solve the problem. It usually does.

My trip to Italy was one of those life-changing experiences. When I went to Sundance Film Festival in January, a friend of mine said that there is the you that existed before Sundance, and there is you after Sundance. I definitely felt some of that, but my trip to Italy was the trip that really changed me.

It was my first time really traveling in a foreign country. I've cruised to Mexico, but on a trip like that, you only stay in the country for a few hours. I know what you're thinking. Most people travel to other countries in college or immediately after high school. I'm a late bloomer in this department. In college I had to work a lot, and all of my time and money went to school. There wasn't anything left for travel. Now that I am finally established, it's nice to finally get this experience.

I see why foreign travel is such a valued experience. The struggle to communicate taught me compassion for new immigrants in the U.S. You've got to really wanna live somewhere to work that hard to communicate... It took a lot of energy out of me just to speak! When I got home, I felt relieved to not have to work so hard to get the words out...

On my trip, there were six different personalities. My husband, my in-laws, my mother, my brother in law and his partner, and me. For two weeks we were together, and you can imagine the struggle that can come up when you have a soldier, a peacenik, a tea-party republican, and a quiet artist among several other personality traits traveling from Florida to Europe... There were a few struggles, but I learned how to hone in on my conflict resolution skills learned from three years of working in a Domestic Violence shelter, as well as the calm focus I have developed from yoga, martial arts, and meditation. It was truly a spiritual experience learning how to stay cool when someone said something about how certain races should stop producing... I wasn't always successful, but by the end of the trip, I looked back and thought I did alright.

There was beauty everywhere in Italy. From Lavello to Rome. Everywhere. On the people, the buildings, the trees, the streets, the clothing, the simple food... If I spent too much time thinking about it, I got sad thinking about how America compares... But then I think about California, and how I fell in love with it's beauty seven years ago when I came here for the first time.

So how have I changed? I had a lot of time to think about what is really important to me. The Italians seem to already know. Love, art, music, philosophy, family (whatever that means to you), good weather, simple food. For a few years, I have tried to figure out what direction I will take. After finally starting to feel like I really live in Los Angeles, and no longer feeling like I am simply adjusting, it has felt like a new chapter is emerging in my life.

I have never been a materialistic person. Going from upper class to broke at a young age taught me how to value the free things in life. In L.A. it is easy to get caught up in wanting more, more, more. It's a competition to see who can drive the coolest car, own the biggest house, have the most sophisticated haircut, wear the most expensive clothing labels. I want nothing to do with it. I only want to live a life dedicated to music, learning, philosophy, friendship, and love. Luckily, it is a well kept secret that Los Angeles is actually home to a large population of sophisticated thinkers and artists. Most of the world sees this place as a plastic wasteland of materialism, but that is simply not true.

In Rome, it rained a lot, and I spent many days dreaming of the running I would do in the sunny hills of my neighborhood and the slow driving I would do, which is more than accepted here. On my first day back, I was welcomed by my students who are so supportive of me. We spent every lesson freely creating music, and nothing music theory related was said. The parents all smiled and said it was good to have me back. That laid back attitude is classic here. Even though I am in love with Italy, and I will definitely be going back, and it taught me so much, the truth is I love Southern California and Los Angeles. I am so glad to be back. Los Angeles, I am yours!

Finding Beauty in Rome

2011-03-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

As a musician, I am in it to win it, and that means learning how to be in front of a camera. I'm very shy for a musician. For many years I have been quite comfortable playing music for myself in my little studio, venturing out just a few times a month to share. But now, I am working towards the next big step. That means I have to market myself. The idea of being photographed makes me nervous. My jaw gets a little too tight, and my smile can feel unnatural... and what to wear? I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, so this always poses a problem, no pun intended.

Drinking tea before the shoot.
Calming the nerves.

Being in Italy has opened my eyes to beauty. Everyone here is so elegant, even in their jeans and sneakers. I'm used to living in a high fashion city, but Italy is different... It seems to be part of their DNA... All the women and men are beautiful. Effortlessly beautiful with their wavy hair, high cheekbones, and smooth skin. I figured if I was ever going to feel comfortable posing in front of a camera, Rome would be the place to do it.

I giggled as observers formed behind me.

So, I recruited my talented photographer husband to ride the train to the area where the Pantheon is located. When we were there last week, I noticed some really neat alleyways. I love alleyways in photos.

Rome Has Alley's A-Plenty

We took 500 photos, and by the end, 50 were chosen. Not bad, according to Chad. The photos will be used for various marketing reasons... website, CD, poster, press releases. Considering it was really my second professional photo shoot, I thought I did ok. I look at the whole modeling thing as a practice like anything else. I have to learn to be comfortable being looked at through the eye of a camera.

We Loved the Graffiti

If you had to pick one for a CD cover, which would you choose?

Love in Lavello

2011-03-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

The Original Middle Ages Entrance to Lavello

My journey through Italy has been life changing. Two days ago, I met my Italian relatives for the first time in the beautiful village of Lavello, located in the southeastern region. My American family and I are not particularly close. Not like you would expect of an Italian-Amercan family. The truth is, I often felt like a "spiritual orphan," wandering around looking for my home and family. In California, I have close friends who I love like family, but in Lavello, I found my home. My roots.

Roberta and Ananita

After meeting my cousin, Mario, and his beautiful family, I was touched by their total excitement to meet their American relative. In broken Italian and English, we spent 4 hours together catching up, eating pizza and drinking locally made wine. I felt close to them instantly. I wasn't sure at first, but I thought I felt some love from them... I tried not to attach myself to this idea, because we had just met...

A Lavello Troubadour

To thank them for their hospitality, I sang them a song. Mario's wife, Nananita, called relatives on the phone so they could listen to their new American cousin sing in English:

The next morning, Mario picked us up at his family's hotel, and brought us to my great-aunt Tina's house. She was standing outside, in pearls, a beautiful cashmere sweater, and a long matching skirt. She had her hand on her heart, and when I walked up, she embraced me with the most intense amount of love I have ever felt from a "stranger." She kept shouting "Bellisima! Belissima!" as she squeezed my cheeks and looked into my eyes. I was so touched. I felt instantly at home, like I had known her my whole life. She brought us inside, and as the phone continued to ring, more and more relatives walked into the door excited to see us. I met aunts, uncles, and cousins. I was kissed and hugged more than ever in my life. Everyone was so excited, and they continuously brought us more and more drinks and candy.

Mom, Tina, Me and Mario

We decided to eat, so they brought us to a local restaurant where we had a traditional Italian lunch. 3 courses, plus desert, about 3 hours long... It was beautiful. Like something out of a movie. Everyone shouted when they spoke, laughed louder than a timpani, waved their arms around, and continued to hug and kiss all of us. At the end, I played my guitar and everyone danced. When I was finished, they sang traditional Italian songs from Lavello. It was beautiful!

Lavello is surrounded by beautiful countryside,
rolling hills with olive trees and vineyards.

My cousin, Pia, who is only 4 years older than I am, made us promise to come to her wedding in July. We had an instant connection. Using the iPad's translator application in order to communicate, we discovered that we are both activists, both interested in politics, and our birthdays are only 4 days apart from each other. The similarities in other relatives were fascinating. I discovered a poet, a journalist, and a musician named, get this, Michele. After lunch, I sang some American folk songs for them, as well as the traditional Italian song "Caro Mio Ben." I admit I was very nervous singing in Italian in front of real Italians, but they were very complimentary, and when I finished, my other great-aunt Sabina came up and planted a giant kiss on my cheek.

Song is a nice way to say "Grazi."

All the excitement and energy it took to understand and speak Italian, as well as the forte (strong) wine, made me feel not so molto buono... so I had to go back to the hotel to sleep it off. Inside my heart, I was beaming, but my stomach needed me to take a break...

As we approached this group of men,
Mario informed me that one is my cousin.
Big surprise!

Later that night, Sabina insisted on coming to the hotel with Pia and they brought gifts. A history book of Lavello from Pia and a beautiful Italian purse from Sabina. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. The next morning, before leaving for Rome, Tina came to the hotel to say good bye, and she had more gifts! I couldn't believe how kind everyone was after meeting them for only the first time. When I mentioned this to Mario, he said to me, family is very, very important and you are family. In the car as we left, I kept thinking about that and felt like I might cry...

A local woman. I did not ask if we were related...

When I was preparing for this trip to Italy, I thought it might bring up thoughts of love, because Italy is famous for that. Every trip I take teaches me a profound life lesson, and as I anticipated this one, I considered that the subject might be love. But unlike the version in the book/film "Eat, Pray, Love," this international trip brought me a different kind of love. An unconditional, familial kind of love. I felt a strong connection to my relatives in Lavello. A connection I haven't felt before in the states. It was pretty amazing.

The family eats & eats & eats...

In this blog, I talk about peace and love, two things that I believe are necessary to cultivate in order to change the world. I began my meditation practice long ago in order to attain true inner peace, but love has always been shaky for me. When you move around a lot, you learn how to guard yourself from deep, unconditional love, perhaps allowing only a few people inside. My relatives in Lavello had absolutely no problem showing me love the instant they met me. I was so struck by this. What if I could show that kind of love to everyone I meet? What if we all could do that?

The old men on bicycles were so authentic...

In America, it is sometimes hard to show love. We don't touch each other or reveal deep feelings until we have "proven" we are worthy of such intimacy. But in Italy, I discovered that there are many people who grow up with a deep and instant sense of love for others. Lavello showed me what it could be like to instantly share love with someone, and to be vulnerable without any fear whatsoever.

Happy in Lavello

I hope I take some of Lavello's love home with me to the States. My country could use some serious unconditional love at this point in time.

Coming Home to Rome

2011-02-27T04:54:00.000-08:00

This blog sure has led me to explore so many parts of my heritage. I braved the Mormon past, dug through my Southern heritage, and now, I am exploring the homeland of my maternal heritage: Italy. When I was growing up, I thought my whole family was Italian. Even my loud, passionate father. It is often said that the mother of the family usually has the responsibility of passing on the cultural heritage, and that was true in my upbringing. We ate pasta 4 nights a week, shouted in every conversation, and held grudges for lengths of time that only a Sicilian can brag about. In church, I used to sing without a microphone. Everyone was amazed at my ability to project, but I always gave the credit to my loud Italian family. Music and art was also encouraged and supported in my home, and being in Italy now makes it easy to see why. The architecture here is amazing. Simply mind blowing. Every detail can be seen as important. Every position and shape has symbolism. Everything was well thought out. I used to think I was weird for being so intense in my thinking, but now I can see that I am just Italian.

My favorite stop was the Leonardo da Vinci museum. It is small, but the information was so inspiring. da Vinci was so intensely curious. His mind came up with design that gave us the car, the bicycle, diving equipment, and so many other machines. After walking through the museum, I felt inspired to be confident in being deeply curious about the world. We need more curious minds.

Of course I visited the Colosseum, a place famous for Gladiator fighting and other violent spectacles. Me being who I am, I found the place disturbing, knowing that fighting to the death was once a form of entertainment. That being said, the structure was mind boggling. How did they do it? How did they build that structure in 80 A.D.? There is so much I still don't understand.

The Pantheon was another mind boggling place. It was built originally as a Pagan temple in the 1st century. Again, my amazement in our human capabilities was overwhelming.

My only criticism of Rome is I only hear American music. I don't understand this. Italians have such a rich history of producing great music. In school, we only studied Italians for the first part of every music history class. The Romans invented musical notation. The greatest composers were Italian until the Viennese took over that title. Growing up, we listened to a lot of Opera, and in school, I studied Italian Art Song for 4 years, competing and translating, making sure every note was perfect, and every accent correct. Italian music, classical and folk, is gorgeous. I wish I could hear more of it. Even the spoken language has a musicality to it. When I listen to the locals converse, they all seem to speak in the same musical key. There is a melodic quality to their speech. It feels like music. I can see why music comes so naturally to this culture.

The most wonderful thing about being in Italy, for me, has been identifying with a culture I always felt I belonged too. Stepping off the plane, I looked around and thought I had stepped into a family reunion. There is something very comforting about recognizing all the faces in one city. I have never had that before. The most Italians I have ever been around where in Philadelphia visiting my sister, and that was still very different from this. Here, I recognize the mannerisms that have continued to be passed down into my American version of the culture. The hand movements, the projected voices, the appreciation for beauty, and the appreciation for good food. My cousin, Peter, told me that the first time he visited Italy, he felt like he was coming home. I have to say I agree. It's nice to be home.

Kingsley Plantation

2011-02-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

***Greetings from Rome, Italy! I have been in Italy for 2 days now... so exciting.... and I want to share, but first I have to tell you about a 2 day stop in Jacksonville, FL. To end Black History Month, I want to share with you about a trip my father and I made to Kingsely Plantation. My dad and I discussed segregation, and what it was like to grow up in such a racist time... I promise, I will post about Italy! Online time is quite precious here, so hopefully I will post soon...Now... here is the post I wrote after our trip to the plantation!

The House Where the Kingsley Family Lived

My dad and I don't necessarily get along as well as a father and daughter should... he's a conservative Republican, and I'm... well... you know. We try not to talk politics, because the last time we did, it turned into an explosive fight...so I thought I would create a video project with him about something we both love: history. My hope was that it would make spending time together a little easier, as well as educational for both of us. I wanted him to know that I respect his life experience, and I wanted him to see that I am an introspective listener who is passionate about understanding the differences among everyone, even family members...

The Back of the Kingsley House

My dad was raised in South Florida in the 50's and 60's when it was still segregated by Jim Crow laws. I'm always fascinated by his stories of life in Florida when it was still very Southern, before the "carpet baggers" (Northerners) came down and began buying up all the cheap land. According to my dad, it was the Northerners who first started encouraging the Black Southerners to stand up and fight for their equal rights. Before that, he had did not even realized that Blacks and Whites could be equals.

The waterfront location was ideal for trading cotton, indigo, and sugar cane.

Since it is Black History Month, I wanted to interview him about life during segregation, and I thought the experience would be enhanced if it took place on North Florida's only remaining sea island plantation. Kingsley Plantation was a cotton/indigo/sugar cane plantation with many, many slaves. It was established when Florida was owned by Spain, so life there was a little different from the plantations in the Confederate Deep South. There are still many descendants of the Kingsley Plantation days who continue to live in North Florida. Chad recorded our interview, and my brother in law, Matt took photos.

Chad videotaped us in front of the indigo fields.

I asked my dad about his attitude toward segregation as a kid. I was surprised to hear him say that he simply did not think about it...it wasn't talked about, so he just took it for granted. With a little pushing, he was able to recall questioning the practice when he was a senior in high school, but he never said anything, because he knew better than to do that... According to dad, questioning segregation would have gotten him into a world of trouble. The most disturbing thing I learned about my dad's public school segregated education was that he didn't even learn about slavery until he grew up and began his own private education reading history books. The white schools totally ignored that part of history...

Jacksonville's historical site is actually not well known to locals.
(I didn't even know about it until I took Black Music Studies in college.)

Growing up, we had a lot of arguments about race in my home. My parents acted like interracial dating was one of the worst things you could participate in as a teenager, just like many parents in the 80's and 90's. Kingsley Plantation was a unique southern establishment... it was actually owned and run by an interracial couple. Anna Kingsley was a black Haitian woman who had been a slave at one point. When Florida joined the Confederacy and abandoned Spanish Law, Anna and their mixed children had to flee to foreign islands in order to avoid persecution.

Dad and I discuss our multi-racial family.

I asked my dad what he would have done if I had fallen in love with a black man. He said he wouldn't have cared, and it opened up a dialogue about the fact that my parents are technically an interracial couple. This is not something we talked about when I was growing up. My mom is a dark skinned Italian woman born and raised in Chicago, complete with an overbearing and fiery personality, and the amazing talent to make any meal amazing with just a few ingredients. She has coarse naturally black hair and very dark eyes. My dad is a pale Irish-English Southerner. This racial hypocrisy made my teenage self absolutely livid. Yesterday was the first time we really talked about our own racial qualities, and it was nice to see my dad's attitude about this fact had evolved in such a positive way. He had no shame about it, and he seemed proud to be part of a multi-racial family. I liked it.

Dad and I discuss the similarities between
Italian immigrant prejudice and Mexican immigrant prejudice:
Italian immigrants were once hated for "stealing jobs." Sound familiar?

I heard my dad say a few things that I often hear white southerners say. One thing he said is that the Kingsley's treated their slaves "better" than most slave owners. While this may be true, relatively speaking, it was still an awful life. The slave cabins were tiny and housed an average of 8 people at once. They were about the size of a college dorm room. They had to grow their own food, and if they were caught running away, they would be sent to the Indigo fields to work, which was so toxic that any worker there had a life expectancy of only 7 years. I tried to listen to my dad with compassion when he would say things like "they were treated better..." There is a lot of shame in this history, and saying things like that is most likely a way for locals to make themselves feel better about the history of their region. The fact is, no matter how much better a slave experience may have been compared to others, it was still a slave experience.

One of the Slave Cabins

After hearing about my dad's experience of growing up in segregated neighborhoods and schools, and never once hearing anyone discuss the situation, I decided to cut him some slack. I used to look down on the older generation of Southerners and think they were terrible for just watching all of this prejudice happen, but after talking to my dad, I realize that he really did not know any better. I still am horrified that he didn't learn about Slavery in school...

In the Sugar Cane Mill

It was a fascinating experience interviewing my dad about life in segregated Florida. I no longer saw him as an apathetic white man who watched segregation happen before his very eyes... I saw a man who was born into a culture that was deeply racist with out much choice in his beliefs. I heard him when he told me that the first time he was face to face with a black man was on the battlefields in Vietnam, and that in times of war, race makes absolutely no difference. His experiences in Vietnam taught him that beliefs about race have a lot to do with your environment. The sociology nerd in me turned cartwheels when he said this. He was not attached to his culture's racist beliefs, and like many white southerners, his beliefs changed with the times.

Chad and I were both excited with the footage and are looking forward to making a short film. I don't want to hate anyone for their beliefs, even if I passionately disagree with them. I would prefer to understand where they come from, and brainstorm with them about how we can all become better people. Listening to my dad today, a man who truly does not care about race today, I saw an evolved man. It gives me hope about our potential for growth and change.

The plantation had some good climbing trees...

When Do I Get To Be Called A Man? (1955)

2011-02-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

Before the Civil Rights Movement, a Black Man was always called "Boy." Never Sir. Ever. Can you imagine how humiliating that would be for a man to be called "Boy" in front of his wife or daughter?

When Do I Get to be Called a Man

by Big Bill Broonzy

When I was born into this world, this is what happened to me

I was never called a man, and now I'm fifty-three

I wonder when